Dear readers,

Last week I had a chance to sit down with fellow advice columnist, R. Eric Thomas. You can read that discussion here and watch some of it below, too.

Now, on to the column!

Dear Lizzy,

I recently found out that my ex-wife is dating a friend of mine. Not a best friend but a guy I have played golf with for over a decade. My ex and I have two kids together and the kids know this man as my friend and now … their mom’s boyfriend? I am feeling angry about this but unsure how I should broach the subject with my ex-friend or my ex-wife.

Former Golf Buddy

Dear Former Golf Buddy,

I can understand why this turn of events would make you feel some bad feelings. Feel them! Talk to (unrelated) friends about it, journal, yell at the ocean. But then, you will need to move on.

We are talking about your ex-wife, as in, she is not your wife anymore. Whom she dates is not up to you. Not at all.

And we are talking about a guy you golf with, another person whose dating life you have absolutely zero say in. Even if he was your best friend, I would say you cannot tell him who he can and can’t date. Of course, if you were close, you could and should tell him how you feel. But this sounds like an acquaintance, not the best man at your wedding, and he is allowed to date your ex-wife.

I really believe that you cannot call dibs on people. Everyone should freely get to decide who they are in a relationship with, and once that relationship is over, neither party can decide who the other party is with.

You have kids together, so you can ask your former partner to not bring new romantic interests home until they are in a serious relationship. But that’s about it.

The world is small. Consider the possibility that the choice of these two people to date has nothing to do with you, even if you did introduce them. Maybe they love each other. Maybe they make each other happy.

Allow yourself to be happy by letting go of your anger. Holding onto rage at your kids’ mom isn’t going to help anyone and it might stop you from finding your own way to a new relationship, if that’s something you want.

Good luck!

Lizzy

Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker! Or, if you want to ask me a question with total anonymity, use this Google form.

Read more Why Tho? here.