Penn State is a notoriously football-centric school. People go crazy for the game. Despite this, I have absolutely no interest in football.

While the loud majority of students at Penn State cherish the sport, there are quite a few of us who aren’t gripped in the same way. There are a lot of us who go to games for the chicken baskets, to see the mascot, to hear the Blue Band, or to just use the game as an excuse to drink and leave before halftime. 

That’s not a bad thing, of course. This school has a lot more to offer than large men chucking balls up and down a grass field. People have their interests. Some like football, while others enjoy movies, procrastinating, or even basketball. No judgment here. 

Despite my lack of enthusiasm about the sport, I get caught up in a lot of football conversations. When people discover I’m a Penn State student, they almost always ask me about the team or something adjacent.

I could just tell them I don’t know or care, but that’s mean, and I’m too much of a kitten to deny them that joy. If I did, it’d be a very short and uncomfortable conversation, where whoever I was speaking to would end up thinking I was some sort of weirdo. Luckily, these people are still football fans, so it’s not much of an insult. 

Instead, I figured out how to fake my way through most of these conversations with grace. It’s taken a lot of practice and hard work, but now any casual conversationalist I meet will likely have no idea how little I actually care about the subject. I’ve written this article for all of you who feel the same way and need a little help in the art of deception. After reading this, your uncles and barbers will never know what hit them.

Things To Know

If you’re going to try and do this, there are some things you’ll need at least basic awareness of. It sucks, I know, but you’re being nice here, remember? It’s just a few names and things, don’t worry.

Our current coach is James Franklin, that guy that Keegan-Michael Key (from Key and Peele) parodied. When not being lampooned, he coaches the entire Penn State football team. The most important player to remember (right now) is Drew Allar, our quarterback. He seems to be the it-girl of Penn State football, from what I can gather. Other current players to know are Tyler Warren, Abdul Carter, Nick Singleton, and Kaytron Allen. These are the only ones I have any recollection of, though I really have no idea what they do, besides the fact that a Nick Singleton poster-thing was on the Met building for a while. Other than current players, it wouldn’t hurt to know some of the former players now in the NFL, like Saquon Barkley, though that’s the only one I know. I think there are more. 

Joe Paterno is also a name to keep in the memory banks, our historic former coach. Yes, he’s named after the library. He’s also known as JoePa, in case someone throws that at you. All Penn State fans see JoePa as God incarnate, and probably the best coach of our team. To keep appearances up, you must do the same. 

It’s also a good idea to keep track of the team’s wins, though not necessary since anyone you’re talking to will probably give you the info anyway. Plus, you only really need to remember one or two of the “important” games like Michigan or Ohio State, and they’re usually losses, which makes it easy. 

Also, in case it’s mentioned, make sure you know that Penn State went to the College Football Playoff semifinals (I think?) this year, which hasn’t happened in years. We lost to Notre Dame (another team), so remember that we also hate them. 

Another small thing to be aware of is the concept of a bowl game. Penn State won the Rose Bowl in 2023, which was huge news on T-shirts and everything. It also won the Fiesta Bowl this past year as part of the playoffs. Unfortunately, I have no idea what a bowl game actually is or why they named these games after a type of dish. I’ve asked countless football fans about this, and not one of them has given me an actual answer. The connection between college bowls and the Super Bowl is even less apparent.

Things You Hate

As a Penn State football fan, you’re required to hate many things (Or! As a faux football fan, you’re required to have strong feelings or something similar). There are a few constants, and many change over the passing seconds. If these variables change, you can ask one of your football-centric friends a leading question, and they’ll fill you in with the fire of a thousand suns. 

For starters, you must always hate Ohio State and Michigan. And Alabama, or “Bama,” I think. Penn State fans must carry a hatred for these teams that is unrivaled by any civil or domestic conflict in history, even Star Wars. You must say things like, “Aw man, I really hate ___,” if you plan on surviving in this world, even if you don’t see anything wrong with ___. You must always say that ___ sucks, and never, I repeat never, mention our loss record against ___, unless you plan on blaming it on referees or supernatural circumstances. 

Nowadays, you must also hate James Franklin. He seems like a nice enough guy, of course, but this is an awfully common opinion. Don’t hate him personally, though, only hate him as an idea. Most fans dislike Franklin for his consistent losses in the “big games,” which you must be aware of. 

When I say hate, I truly mean it. Football fans aren’t capable of casual dislike or peaceful disagreements. To pose as a true fan, you must dig deep into your soul and hate these things more than anything you’ve ever hated. Ever. Only then, will you fit in.

Things You Love

You gotta love Penn State. That’s it.

How To Guide The Conversation

As a top-shelf deceiver, you’ll need to ensure the conversation stays in a realm that you’re capable of continuing. This can be difficult because football fans are notoriously excited about these things. 

Usually, when a term or something is mentioned that I don’t know, I just let them keep talking. They sometimes will ask for your opinion, to which you should always agree with theirs. Luckily, football fans are incredibly animated in their opinions, so they should be easy to read, assuming they miraculously don’t state it beforehand. If you’re having difficulty reading their opinion, act incredibly unsure, as if this small topic of “pick sixes” or “safeties” is sure to be presented in the Supreme Court any day. Then, ask their opinion. They’ll lay it on you with full force. 

Never ask about terminology or events. While you may not be aware of what a “pick six” is, like me, any signs of confusion will immediately alert your opponent to your lack of knowledge, immediately forfeiting this whole operation. If you do, the conversation will likely derail and become the awkward pause it would’ve been without this article. 

Often, in conversations like these, the initiator will ask you what you think of the team, in the broadest sense. This is difficult because you’ll usually have no thoughts on the matter, strong or weak. In these situations, there are a few things you can say, which are broad enough to keep you going.

My go-to is “James Franklin can’t win the big games,” or some variation. In four years, that has worked wonders for me. This seems to be common knowledge and a big subject for fans to discuss. Not debate, simply discuss, since no one seems to be on the other side. 

Another good one, especially when discussing a game in particular, is, “Penn State has always been a big defense team.” Of course, this one can be tricky if the defense hasn’t done well recently, but that isn’t usually the case, which is good for you. 

Another good technique is to nudge the conversation away from football. Simply note that you saw one of the players once on campus or something, even if it isn’t entirely true, since it’s likely you don’t know what they look like. I mean, it’s a small campus, you probably saw them once or twice, right? Can’t be that much of a lie. But, when lying, keep it slightly specific. Pick a random place downtown or something that you crossed paths, and never say that you spoke to them. I usually say that Drew Allar lived in my building freshman year, which is actually true. I apparently shared an elevator with him. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time, but someone told me that, and I’ll use it any day. It works beautifully. 

Any other lines about the team will likely incite some sort of deeper conversation, which I’m sure you all are unprepared for, but these have always been enough for me, and I haven’t raised any suspicion thus far.  

To keep up the ruse, there are some topics you must avoid at all costs. Of course, never let on that you dislike football or are oblivious to any of its rules, that’s a given. Besides the obvious, always avoid things like: Penn State losing, the Blue Band, the mascot, chicken baskets, the touchdown fireworks, and really anything fun about games that aren’t football-adjacent. And never say something along the lines of, “Boy, do I love football.” That’s just obvious.

When They Suspect You

Sometimes, none of this will work. Hasn’t happened to me, of course, but I imagine it could happen to someone less wise and practiced. Because of that glorious fact, this section is purely conjecture. 

If the opponent has caught on to your lies, appeal to their sense of emotion — pathos, if you will. Get them a little riled up, and they’ll forget anything ever happened. Return to hating Ohio State or Michigan, or even regurgitate one of their previous opinions back at them, they’ll love that. Football fans are a simple bunch, it’ll work wonders. 

It’s important to keep your cool at times like this, or it’ll only get worse. Take a deep breath, search your mind for a random line — any line, especially if it gets them going — and spit it back at them. All of a sudden, you’re back on track.

Overall

I hope this article helps, as I never had any help myself. It took hard work figuring these things out, to the point where I occasionally kinda sorta enjoy talking a bit of football.

Before going out into the wild, remember that this article isn’t about fooling those close to you. I’m sure that’s impossible and pretty unhealthy. Use these strategies wisely, and you’ll never have an uncomfortable Penn State football conversation again. I promise.