In the long history of attempts to objectively rank every player in the NBA, there exists no method so asinine as the NBA 2K ratings.

Every August, in preparation for the release of their fairly fun, moderately innovative and definitely-monopolistic-but-extraordinarily-profitable simulation NBA game, developer Visual Concepts does a massive public relations campaign around what each player will be rated. Main figurehead Ronnie Singh aka Ronnie2K conducts interviews with players and fans about what they think everyone should be rated, even handing out fancy envelopes to rookies and filming their reactions. It’s a major production.

This rating is supposed to reflect how good a player is in real life, and only applies to the “Play Now” modes with current rosters. Theoretically, the ratings could be as low as zero and as high as 99, though the lowest confirmed player in NBA 2K25 is rated a 66 overall — Free Agent Braxton Key — since it would be kind of rude to tell someone that has worked their entire life to make it to the NBA that they’re a smooth 26 overall.

Once the official ratings are released, as they were on Monday, phase two of the NBA 2K PR masterclass begins: fan reaction and anger. There’s obviously no consensus about which players are objectively better than others since the sports media industry is like 70 percent that exact disagreement, so it’s only natural that people would get up in arms about their favorite players being rated lower than their mortal enemies.

And you know what? That’s what we’re going to do right now, because I am not going to sit here and accept that Jayson Tatum is rated lower than Joel Embiid. I just am not.

Because even though the 2K ratings are the push to set off the geyser of anger from the natural reservoir of NBA takes normally dormant until October, it doesn’t mean this video game has the right to be so objectively wrong about every Boston Celtics player. Am I biased? Yes. Is this analysis of why the rankings are so wrong based on any more evidence than the rankings themselves? Probably not. But I have a holy responsibility to rail against the machine, and when that machine says that Derrick White is a worse player than LaMelo Ball, I’m getting my mallet.

On what planet is Joel Embiid better than Jayson Tatum? I understand that for two thirds of one half of last season, Embiid was basically a more efficient Shaquille O’Neal who could shoot threes and free throws, but in no galaxy, supercluster or observable-freaking-universe can these rankings put Embiid at a 96 overall and Tatum at a 95 after this season.

One could easily argue this is because NBA 2K is a video game, and thus injuries can be switched off in the game’s settings, turning Embiid’s biggest weakness off like a light switch. But even if durability is not a concern, Tatum is still a far more impactful player if one is trying to win basketball games. He has been more successful, more malleable and has grown into a highly-flexible superstar while Embiid has to be the centerpiece come hell or high water.

Embiid is a destructive offensive and defensive players, but simply has holes in his game that Tatum does not. He is an incomplete passer who still struggles with making decisions out of double teams, and has repeatedly shown an inability to adapt in the tactical and highest stakes moments in the playoffs. Tatum, on the other hand, has shown an ability to do all those things at a high level.

I am not an unthinking Tatum defender. I recently said on the How ‘Bout Them Celtics podcast that I would trade Tatum for Luka Doncic without asking any follow-up questions, reflecting the old Bill Simmons “trade value rankings” theory of NBA value. I will accept that Doncic, Nikola Jokic, Giannis Antetokounmpo and Shai Giligeous-Alexander could be rated above Tatum, and would perhaps accept Stephen Curry as well if my life was in danger. But would anyone alive trade Tatum for Embiid straight up? Absolutely not.

Perhaps even more offensive was how the official 2K X account communicated these rankings to the public. Tatum was the first of the three 95 overalls — the others being LeBron James and Curry — to be posted, and despite being tied with those two received this note: “Jayson Tatum is the 8th highest rated player in #NBA2K25 at 95 OVR!” while Curry and James were dubbed 7th and 6th despite being the same rating.

Consider this my application to Visual Concepts as their official mathematics consultant, because unless 2K is hiding a secret decimal ratings system from us, 95 is actually equal to 95. Ignoring the Embiid lunacy, that means Tatum, Curry and James are tied for 6th. Tied. Yet someone decided that Tatum should bring up the rear of this group, which feels needlessly vindictive.

The real explanation for all of this is major Olympics recency bias. Devin Booker is rated way higher than he should be after the season he just had, and Embiid, James and Curry’s performances in Paris certainly catapulted them in front of the guy who just led his team to the NBA Championship. Considering this whole thing is a PR stunt, I understand leaning on the Olympic narratives. I hate it, but I understand it.

Wrapping things up: beyond LaMelo Ball (which is hilarious), I’m not even going to waste anyone’s time listing off the players ranked ahead of Derrick White who he is objectively better than, but just know there are three Sacramento Kings on that list. Not sure how that one computes.

To finish off this very-calm analysis of the ratings is Jaylen Brown. Is he ranked fairly? The answer may shock you: yes, he actually is. He’s a 92 overall, and despite some minor issues with being behind Devin Booker (no), tied with Donovan Mitchell (no), and behind Anthony Edwards (no… but also whatever I can live with that), I think that’s a pretty fair spot for Brown. Without thinking too hard, I think he’s pretty fairly the 15th best player in the league with potential to be better next season coming off his totally explosive summer and end to the season.

And just for dessert, here’s some quick inter-Celtics drama with the ratings. Luke Kornet is a 77 and Sam Hauser is a 76. Call me crazy, but I think those should probably be flipped considering how Hauser has proven time and time again he can play in a playoff series and Kornet just hasn’t been there. This is like 72nd on my overall list of complaints, but if anyone at 2K reads this and has the time to change that, I’d appreciate it.