Rookie Claus: Giving out gifts to my hooman's favorite Cleveland sports teams

Rookie Claus: Giving out gifts to my hooman’s favorite Cleveland sports teams

Posted by author December 23, 2024 Sports

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Since the day I was brought to my new home from the Richland County Dog Warden, I have been watching my hooman, Jake.

He is a tall hooman who sits in my bedroom (he calls it his “office” but really, it’s my space) and makes strange tapping noises on a small screen. All day and sometimes all night, he just clicks, clicks, clicks away. But when he isn’t in there, we can be found on the couch (shhh, don’t tell my other hooman, the pretty one with long hair that smells really good named Sam. She doesn’t like me up there), and we watch sports.

We also catch an Ohio State Buckeyes game or two. Those are much more fun unless they play a team up North, wherever that is.

On Sundays, those days are usually sad, we watch the Browns, and I hear a familiar language of bork, bork coming from the speakers. Some days, we watch the Cavaliers. Well, he watches, I just want to chase that bouncing ball. In the summer, we usually hang out outside on the porch swing and listen to Tom Hamilton describe the Guardians game. I would love to watch that game. It sounds like so much fun. Darn you Bally Sports.

But I sit and watch with my hooman, Jake, and he always seems to be so heartbroken and sad after our favorite teams lose or a season ends in disappointment. So, with Christmas quickly approaching, I decided to tie a big horn on top of my head like my movie idol Max from How the Grinch Stole Christmas (he is my hero), hop on my sleigh, try my paws at this tap, tap, tapping thing (hey, this is hekkin easy) and deliver some presents of my own.

Here we go:

First stop, 76 Lou Groza Boulevard, Berea

Jameis Winston: A job at Target. That seems to be the only bullseye he could hit with a football. Hopefully, there isn’t a defender standing in front of it. 12 interceptions in 12 games? What the hekkin?

Myles Garrett: One game without a double-team block. That poor guy is surrounded more than I get at a dog park full of butt sniffers.

David Njoku: All of the doggo T.R.E.A.Ts (yes, hoomans, I know what that spells) in the world. You are my hooman’s favorite player and mine, too. Go Canes!

Jerry Jeudy: The motivation he played with in Denver. If he could play that inspired every game, he would have 2,000 yards by now. He moves faster than I do chasing my tail.

Nick Chubb: A good back scratching. Coming back from the knee injury and now breaking his paw, Chubb needs a healthy offseason so my hooman can wear his jersey again. If I could boop your foot, I would.

Kevin Stefanski: One more year. My hooman seems to think you are the right guy for the job but after this disappointing season, I’ll give you one more shot.

Jimmy Haslam: A tethered leash outside. I’ve never seen you on TV, but my hooman tells me all about the moves you have made. Maybe you need some time outside so the smart people inside can make decisions. Plus, it will help you get used to the cold since you want to build an indoor dog house for the Browns to play in. Melm.

Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah: A healthy recovery. My hooman got quite upset when you were carted off the field. I miss your dance celebrations. They gave me the zoomies.

Deshaun Watson: Your very own doggo park, alone. Somewhere not in Cleveland.

Next stop, Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse

Donovan Mitchell: A procedure at the vet. People keep saying he has that dawg in him. I want that doggo out so I have someone to play tug of war with.

Jarrett Allen: Some head and shoulders shampoo. His hair looks like my floofy girlfriend, Benzi. Plus, I like the way he boops the ball into the hoop. That’s a fun play.

Darius Garland: Your very own Cavs doggo collar. Everyone wants you traded, but I think the Cavs can win it all with you at point guard. I hope you stay.

Evan Mobley: One of those super delicious treats. I haven’t seen a more improved player in the NBA.

Kenny Atkinson: That big shiny doggo toy they hand out at the end of every season. I would love to chase that ball on top. Ball? Ball? Constantly in contention for the best record in the NBA.

Final stop, the corner of Carnegie and Ontario

Jose Ramirez: A seat on the couch with the decision-makers. After the Guardians traded away his best friend, Andrés Giménez, and made him sad, he should be allowed up on the couch when things like that are discussed. He is the face of the franchise after all.

Stephen Vogt: One of my hooman’s famous good boy face rubs. You did such a great job last season that you deserve an atta boy.

Emmanuel Clase: One of those big statues outside of Progressive Field. The way you threw the ball last season makes me wonder if I would ever be able to chase it down. Maybe you have that dawg in you like Donovan. Just do it better against the Yankees next year.

Shane Bieber: A thank you card for giving the Guards a one-year discount so you can come back and show what you can still do.

Josh Naylor: A page out of Bieber’s playbook. My hooman says the Guardians are cheap so I don’t see you coming back after next season. I’ll miss your floofy hair.