WASHINGTON—Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror, Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. “Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?” said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle and touching his hand to his bleeding forehead, strolled through the Capitol rotunda, took a large swig of whiskey, and then lost his balance while attempting to throw a haymaker at Chief Justice John Roberts. “John! Johnny boy! Justice J! Nice robes—for a girl! Ha ha, am I right? Anyways, what are you doing here? Did I miss the swearing-in thing? Also, FYI, you should probably do something about that podium. It came out of nowhere.” At press time, Hegseth was attempting to sing the alphabet backwards to prove he was sober, only to be escorted out by Secret Service after vomiting all over the inaugural Bible.