Now that Week 1 of the 2024 NFL season is in the books, it’s time for an incredibly meaningful and serious exercise: NFL Power Rankings! What differentiates these rankings from all the others is that they’re THE only truly accurate ones in the entire universe. We use a proprietary system that heavily accounts for vibes. Let’s take a look at how all 32 teams stack up.

BLG’S WEEK 2 NFL POWER RANKINGS

1 – Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 1) – The reigning back-to-back Super Bowl champions hardly look like they’ve lost a step. If anything, there are some signs they could be more dangerous than they were last year. Xavier Worthy’s speed is a new element for teams to deal with.

2 – Detroit Lions (LW: 3) – Jameson Williams realizing his playmaker potential gives the Lions a pretty strong one-two punch at wide receiver. His explosion paired with Amon-Ra St. Brown’s chain-moving ability makes for a tough assignment.

3 – Baltimore Ravens (LW: 4) – No one’s ever said this before but … football is a game of inches. Isaiah Likely and the Ravens were reminded of that the hard way. Baltimore still figures to have a lot of regular season success but their offensive line looks like an issue. Also, Lamar Jackson is going to be spent by the playoffs if they keep relying on him to carry the offense like he did in Week 1.

4 – Houston Texans (LW: 5) – With Stefon Diggs and Joe Mixon now in the fold, the Texans have a ton of weapons. Impossible to shut all of them down.

5 – San Francisco 49ers (LW: 6) – No Christian McCaffrey, no problem. The Niners ran all over the opposition anyway. CMC’s health could certainly be a long-term issue but Jordan Mason has San Fran covered in the meantime.

6 – Philadelphia Eagles (LW: 7) – Jalen Hurts hardly played his A-game and yet the Eagles’ offense was able to produce 34 points and 410 yards. The early returns on Saquon Barkley are very encouraging; he looks like he’s going to be a difference-maker.

7 – Buffalo Bills (LW: 8) – They failed to cover the spread against Arizona but Josh Allen was ultimately able to will his team to victory, as he often does. And he’ll have to continue to do to offset a leaky defense.

8 – Green Bay Packers (LW: 2) – Jordan Love’s injury is an unfortunate development for a team that figured to vie for the top spot in the NFC playoff picture. Malik Willis is not inspiring much confidence. They might realistically have to aim for a wild card spot once again.

9 – Miami Dolphins (LW: 11) – Kudos to the Dolphins for showing resiliency. They were very close to going down 24 to 7 late in the third quarter before Jevon Holland’s forced fumble sparked their comeback win. Tyreek Hill can still change the outlook of a game with just one play.

10 – Dallas Cowboys (LW: 12) – Despite losing Dan Quinn, the Dallas defense still looks like it’s going to be good under Mike Zimmer. The Cowboys’ pass rush generated a whopping 17 quarterback hits in Week 1.

11 – Los Angeles Rams (LW: 13) – Despite being really banged up, the Rams were able to take the Lions to overtime in Detroit. And in part because Sean McVay wasn’t being a total coward on fourth down! Though flawed, the Rams figure to be a tough opponent each week.

12 – Los Angeles Chargers (LW: 15) – All Jim Harbaugh does is win. J.K. Dobbins was a nice value signing in the mold of what the Eagles envisioned Rashaad Penny being for them last year except it’s actually working out in this case.

13 – Cincinnati Bengals (LW: 9) – Head-scratching Week 1 result. Joe Burrow is now 1-4 in season openers with the sole win coming in overtime. Seems like the Bengals just don’t start strong for whatever reason. Now watch them go beat the Chiefs in Week 2 after losing to the Pats.

14 – New York Jets (LW: 10) – At the very least, Jets fans will always have that 12-play, 70-yard touchdown drive that gave their team a 7 to 3 lead over the Niners. Might end up being the highlight of their season. Aaron Rodgers’ return clearly doesn’t fix everything.

15 – Pittsburgh Steelers (LW: 16) – A typical grind it out Steelers win with T.J. Watt doing the heavy lifting. Pittsburgh secured victory despite not scoring a touchdown. Probably going to need to be able to get in the end zone more often moving forward.

16 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers (LW: 18) – Baker Mayfield is off to a hot start despite the Bucs losing Dave Canales. Really helps to have Mr. Consistency Mike Evans as a target.

17 – Seattle Seahawks (LW: 21) – You can’t tell me the Seahawks didn’t win in part because their throwback uniforms look very cool. Solid start to the Mike Macdonald era.

18 – Chicago Bears (LW: 14) – Dropping the Bears four spots since they won in a way that doesn’t seem super sustainable! 15 of their 24 points (so, their only touchdowns) were produced by a returned blocked punt and an absolute gift of a pick-six. The offense’s 53 plays resulted in just 148 yards, an incredibly paltry 2.8 average. Caleb Williams doesn’t look ready to ball out from the jump.

19 – Jacksonville Jaguars (LW: 17) – The Jags’ Week 1 loss was a microcosm of last season. Started strong, looked to be in good position, and then totally collapsed to blow it. If there’s a silver lining to be had, two of their other AFC South rivals lost.

20 – Indianapolis Colts (LW: 20) – Anthony Richardson’s ability to throw the ball downfield is mesmerizing; the arm talent is obviously special. Typically going to need to be able to complete a bit more than nine passes in a game to actually win, though.

21 – New Orleans Saints (LW: 26) – Derek Carr was on fire in Week 1. How much of that was the Saints being legitimately good and how much of that was Carolina being a dumpster fire? We’ll learn a lot more about the Saints when they take on Dallas in Week 2.

22 – Minnesota Vikings (LW: 28) – Trust in Sam Darnold at your own peril but he shredded the G-Men. The Vikes might be a bit friskier than expected.

23 – Arizona Cardinals (LW: 24) – The Cardinals managed to cover in a challenging spot on the road. But their defense still blows. So surprising for a Jonathan Gannon-led team.

24 – Atlanta Falcons (LW: 22) – On the bright side, their defense didn’t allow a touchdown in Week 1! On the not so bright side, Kirk Cousins doesn’t appear to be very healthy coming off the Achilles injury.

25 – Tennessee Titans (LW: 25) – Will Levis snatched defeat from the jaws of victory to undo a great defensive effort led in part by former Eagles assistant Dennard Wilson.

26 – Denver Broncos (LW: 23) – Bo Nix averaged 3.3 yards per attempt, threw two interceptions, and logged a 47.5 passer rating. Yet another rookie quarterback off to a rough start.

27 – Cleveland Browns (LW: 19) – Deshaun Watson looks flat out unplayable. The Cowboys deserve some credit for making his job tough … but Watson was also missing wide open targets. He simply couldn’t function. The Browns are big-time screwed.

28 – Washington Commanders (LW: 27) – Jayden Daniels did some nice things in his debut but the Commanders clearly aren’t ready to compete at a high level.

29 – New England Patriots (LW: 31) – Jerod Mayo maximizing the limited talent he’s been given to work with is an encouraging start. But this Pats team isn’t going anywhere. This Week 1 win could be their season highlight.

30 – Las Vegas Raiders (LW: 29) – Down six points with 7:15 left in the fourth quarter, Antonio Pierce decided to PUNT from 4th-and-1 at the Chargers’ 43-yard line. The Bolts proceeded to go on an 8-play, 92-yard touchdown drive to seal the game. The football gods punished Pierce for his cowardice.

31 – New York Giants (LW: 30) – Malik Nabers is a cool player who’s going to be good. But that doesn’t really matter if you don’t have a quarterback. And it’s quite possible the Giants messed up by not making a better effort to find a Daniel Jones replacement in the 2024 NFL Draft. Then again, they might just be able to find his successor with a very high pick in the 2025 NFL Draft!

32 – Carolina Panthers (LW: 32) – Bryce Young is a bust. The Panthers are an absolute tire fire. The odds are against them going 0-17 … but, I don’t know, I think it’s in play.