I’ve decided that it’s the year of the fat guy in the sport of football. This is mostly because I’ve already watched Detroit Lions RT Penei Sewell be tasked this season with executing both a hook-and-lateral and an option pass (he couldn’t find an open man and had to take the sack). Those are two jobs that professional fat guys are never entrusted with, although Sewell is a talented guy who has already proven himself a capable receiver. More to the point, who doesn’t get off seeing a 300-pound man doing shit normally reserved for men 100 pounds lighter?

Navy head coach Brian Newberry knows what I’m talking about. That’s why, up 21-13 against a ranked Army team that had just cut the lead down to a single possession, Newberry had the Midshipmen run this fake punt on fourth-and-5 from his own side of the field:

That’s DT Landon Robinson taking the direct snap and running a sweep to pick up 29 yards for the first down. Is this the sort of fake punt normally designed for a skill position guy playing the upback? Yes, but Army/Navy is OLD SCHOOL FOOTBAW, what with cadets in the stands dressed like Victorian-era homicide detectives and both offenses running formations that no NFL team has drawn up since 1952. I watch this game specifically for plays like this glorified fumblerooski, and I got it. Given that this was the only big-time college football game on TV yesterday, I thank Newberry for understanding how to fill the entertainment vacuum.

Now, did Robinson put the ball on the carpet at the end of his joyrun? Yes, but who gives a shit? You know how hard it is to carry a football, especially when your flopping lineman bosom is in the way? Take it from a former 280-lb. LT who fumbled the ball both times he ever got a chance to carry it in practice. Linemen fumble, and Robinson did. But then Navy LB Colin Ramos recovered the ball, and QB Blake Horvath scored four plays later to ice the upset. So no one will remember Robinson’s fumble. All they’ll remember is their beefy hero taking the snap and running like a rhino that had just escaped from the public zoo. So much man! So much joy! Oh what fun it is to ride upon him!

There were other aspects to Navy’s victory worth noting here. Horvath vastly outplayed his Army counterpart, Bryson Daily, by running for over two bucks on the ground. Navy’s defense intercepted Daily, who would finish sixth in Heisman voting later in the evening, three times, including one play where I swear that the refs missed the Navy defense jumping offsides. And the final score represents the first time Navy has scored 30+ on the Cadets since 2019. All of that is cool, much cooler than Army having their bowl opponent switched out at the last second because—and this is true—their scheduled opponent had too many players enter the transfer portal for them to compete.

But this post is about the fat guys, so that’s gonna remain my focus. When I see a fat guy take a pick to the house, or declare himself eligible so that he can leak out to the weak side of a play to catch a touchdown pass, I think to myself, “Hey! That could be me!” It SOOOOOO couldn’t be me. Penei Sewell is athletic enough that could play the lead in Swan Lake if he felt like it; I get winded just hanging a dress shirt back in my closet. But in my imagination, why I’m as nimble as a dancer, I am. I can run. I can jump. I can juke defenders out of their cleats, as Robinson tries (and fails) to do at the end of his fake punt journey. I can do it all, especially if I see a fellow lineman do likewise out there. Landon Robinson secured a win not only for Navy yesterday, but for my own personal body positivity. I say we promote the man to rear admiral.