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Naomi Osaka is back on the court after having welcomed her first child, a baby girl, with boyfriend Cordae last summer. But in a vulnerable, refreshing new Instagram post, the tennis pro admits she does not feel as connected to the game or to herself as she once did—a confusing state she believes is due to “being postpartum.”

“My biggest issue currently is that I don’t feel like I’m in my body. It’s a strange feeling, missing balls I shouldn’t miss, hitting balls softer than I remember I used to,” Osaka began in her post. “I try and tell myself ‘it’s fine you’re doing great, just get through this one and keep pushing’, mentally it’s really draining though. Internally I hear myself screaming ‘what the hell is happening?!?!’ ”

Osaka returned to competition in January, but the four-time Grand Slam champion has understandably struggled to lift her game up to her previous level, and is currently ranked 90th in the world. This Monday, she lost to Ashlyn Krueger in the second round of qualifying for the Cincinnati Open.

Osaka explained in her post that she has played a handful of matches this year in which she did feel like herself, and she hopes her feeling disconnected is “just a small phase from all the new transitions,” including the different courts she has been playing in.

She said the only thing she can compare this feeling to is to “being postpartum.” She admitted, “That scares [me] became I’ve been playing tennis since I was 3, the tennis racket should feel like an extension of my hand. I don’t understand why everything has to feel almost brand new again. This should be as simple as breathing to me but it’s not and I genuinely did not give myself grace for that fact until just now.”

Osaka concluded her post by saying she will continue doing the work to get her game back and feel like herself again. “I want to teach my daughter that she can achieve so many things with hard work and perseverance. I want her to aim for the stars and never think her dreams are too big, Nothing in life is promised but I realized I can promise myself to work as hard as I can and give it my best shot till the very end. See you in New York,” she wrote.

The athlete is expected to compete at the US Open in New York City later this month.

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