As a proud member of the FOH Army, I want to note that Shea Serrano was a huge inspiration for this series, where we’ll be looking at gaming from a different perspective. With that, let’s take a look at the mustachioed one himself, Mario.

Over the years, Mario has seen his fair share of work. He’s a plumber, he’s been a painter, played tennis, golf, baseball, soccer, and a host of other things. But what was he actually the best at? To get to this answer, we have to lay down some ground rules.

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RULES OF THE GAME

1. Mario has to have done this Job more than once. Repetition is the mother of mastery, so if he’s only done it once, it’s out. And ports don’t count. Sorry, Mario Pinball Land.

2. The Job has to be something that’s relatively doable. This eliminates Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games because I doubt many people reading this can be Olympic athletes.
We can all play sports, but the Olympics? That’s a different level.

3. Last but not least: The Job cannot be taken on under real-life duress. This eliminates one of my personal favorite Mario games, Super Mario Sunshine.

mario’s punishment

I literally only created Rule 3 because I’m 100% sure some of you will think of Super Mario Sunshine from the word “Go.” That level of foresight then prompted the alien-like portion of my brain that thinks exclusively in pop culture references to fire up, so now I give you the hypothetical conversation I had with Mario while writing this:

Mario: Anthony. I wanted to apologize… for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself, and now that I’ve quit the rat race, I’ve realized there’s so much more to life than being the most well-known character in gaming history. I’ve even started volunteering. Giving back to the community. 

Me: Well, that’s great…You’re talking about your court-ordered community service?  

Mario: I don’t need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. 

Me: But he did, right?  

Mario: All right.  

Me: All right.  

Dwayne has no idea what he’s done by bringing me here. (Editor’s Note: On the contrary, this is the unhinged chaos I live for!) Now for the list, in order from worst to best.

Typist: ‘Mario Teaches Typing’

So, Mario was actually a terrible typist to start, then eventually improved at the end of the games. If dedication to improvement can’t be rewarded, we’re all doomed. But given his alarmingly fat hands covered in thick white gloves, I’d have to guess he’s at a not-so-smooth 15-20 WPM.

Toy Maker: ‘Mario vs. Donkey Kong’

In my opinion, the hallmark of a great toy maker is the ability to create a toy so popular, it drives a grown-ass adult to lunacy and maybe even a little crime (Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzenegger did something with this). And that’s exactly what happened with the Mario vs. Donkey Kong series, as DK found himself so enamored with the Mini Marios that he had to go steal them. And if you can get a giant ape to commit a crime, an ape that seems so obsessed with order that despite being naked he still wears a tie, you’ve done something. The only problem here, and it’s a big one, is the elite levels of narcissism that exist to only make mini versions of yourself.

Party Planner: ‘Mario Party’

This feels right at home, dead in the middle. Because Mario’s parties are hit or miss. He’s got some great mini-games, but man, he’s got some clunkers. And sometimes, the party can run a little long. It’s kind of like knowing the guy next door has crappy taste in beer and alcohol, but he’s a damn wizard on the grill. You’ve got to take the good with the bad for a delicious burger. 

Athlete: Various Mario Sports games

Mario has played pretty much every sport and been damn good at all of them. Why Philadelphians grabbed onto Rocky when Mario was right there absolutely escapes me. You’re telling me you don’t want the dude who can outdrive Tiger, outkick Messi, outrace Jimmie Johnson, outhit Barry Bonds, and go toe-to-toe with Serena? If you’re going to go hard enough for a fictional character that you put a statue of him in the hometown of an ACTUAL boxing legend, at least let it be Mario. 

And the Job Mario is best at? 

Underground Fight Club Organizer: ‘Super Smash Bros.’

Since 1999, Mario has been setting up illicit fights all over the Nintendo universe, and every single one of them has been successful. To the point where people from other franchises are dying to get in. And like any successful businessman, Mario followed the money and brought them in. He even sets up fights on THEIR home turf just to make them feel welcome. He’s like Vince McMahon without the overt racism and unwillingness to listen to the people who give him money.