DUBAI: Andrey Rublev turned away as he spoke, eyeing the lush lawns at the picturesque Irish Village, before pointing at various parts of his anatomy, wrist, finger, and forearm, even his gear. It might have something to do with the 27-year-old’s catchphrase ‘responsibility’ which has him turning inward.
Rublev is back at the Dubai Duty Free tennis championships, where he was defaulted 12 months ago, following an animated rant at a lines judge at the fag end of the semifinals. The Russian, known as much for his mercurial temper as for his penchant for self-harm, beating himself with his racket and leaving his hands and legs bloodied, spoke about his struggles with burnout and depression.
“I was completely lost. I was thinking what’s the purpose of living,” said Rublev, who has battled in the dark for a few years now. “The thing is when it happens for a few months, you still have patience (that you can overcome), but when it goes on for years you feel you cannot take it anymore.
“It’s like a pain,” he said, pointing at his arm. “It starts to grow more and more, and you want to cut the arm.”
Rublev, who fell in the first round of the Australian Open, won his 17th career title in Doha last week. “I was taking antidepressants, but after one year of taking antidepressants, I realized that in the beginning you feel a bit better, then nothing afterwards,” he said. “After some time I realized that while it’s not getting worse, something was weird. I didn’t like that feeling so I stopped taking the medication.”
With the help of his charismatic compatriot Marat Safin, a former World No. 1, Rublev started finding his way back. “Marat made me understand myself, that was a bit of a restart from the bottom. From there, little by little, I started to move in a better direction,” he said, adding, “I’m not in a good or a bad place (now), but I’m not feeling any more stress, I’m not feeling anxious, I’m not having depression. I’m just neutral. Not happy, not bad, but I have found a base and that’s a beginning.
“The main thing is to be honest with yourself,” the World No. 9 said. “All of us think that we (may not be) honest with people, but with ourselves we are honest. This is a huge lie because most people are not even honest with themselves. I was the same. I (thought) I have no problem saying if I’m wrong, if I’m right, if I made a mistake.
“I was lying to myself about many things. I didn’t even want to understand or notice it. You need someone who can make you see yourself in an honest way.”
“People put masks on, they make excuses for that, I’m doing that because someone hurt me or I don’t want them to see the real me.,” he said, “They are already lying, running away from the problem, finding an excuse. They don’t want to face themselves. The first thing is to be honest with yourself, then start to be more aware.”
This search for his true self is stirred by a one-word reminder – responsibility -which Rublev writes on his shoes. Every time he looks down the word stares back at him. “I’m putting that word there to remind myself that I’m the one, it’s not because of anything or anyone. If something bad or good happens to me, it’s not because of luck but because I made a mistake (or did something right). You cannot blame anything or anyone, this is a reminder to myself not to complain.”