• After working at my tech job for six years, I was laid off.
• Now, I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I’m taking care of my daughter while on the job hunt.
• It’s complicated, and I’m not sure which part of my life is keeping me busier.

My daughter had been chugging milk like a high school boy after football practice, so I consulted the “experts” on the proper amount for an 18-month-old. I typically rely on our pediatrician and my mother for the best toddler-rearing advice, but for something as trivial as this, I went straight to the sage elders known as mommy bloggers. About 20 ounces per day, one of them said. Good enough for me.

I had my answer, but couldn’t help scrolling into the quicksand of the other posts, particularly one with the headline “How to Survive as a SAHM.” I figured SAHM stood for something horrible, like Scabies After Hemorrhaging Mastitis, but after Googling learned it meant stay-at-home mom. Oh, that? Easy.

There is an acronym for everything in parenting — LO (little one), BLW (baby-led weaning), SEH (so exhausted, help) — but I’d been too busy to keep track of them all. I had a job. A job in tech I’d had for six years. A job I did well but wouldn’t have said I was particularly passionate about, which is fortunate, considering one morning last June, I was promptly let go.

I’m now juggling my job search with being a stay-at-home mom

I have been applying and interviewing ever since, with varying degrees of failure — the most spectacular of which have come after getting to the final round with four different companies. I shouldn’t be surprised. The economy is at a tipping point, egg prices are high, and the world is burning, but I figured I’d be exempt from reality. Instead, six months later, I’m still in the grind, not just in trying to secure an income, but in full-time parenting my toddler. SAHM-ing.

Previously, my husband and I had been juggling watching her and working at the same time, which wasn’t hard when she was young and when, for a decent portion of that time, he’d been laid off, too, applying, interviewing, and SAHDad-ing.

Now it’s my turn. I wake up early and do a sun salutation in the form of trolling LinkedIn and applying to anything I am qualified for, which is plenty — I have 10+ years of experience under my belt, which I’ve said approximately four thousand times, every time while smiling! When my daughter wakes up, I feed her, change her, play with her, and clean the house. The busy mom in the commercials with the laundry basket? That is me. But that woman isn’t also editing her résumé and networking with strangers.

I’m not sure which is keeping me busier

When my daughter has her N (nap), I furiously put on mascara and rehearse my worth as an employee and subsequent human for interviews I’ve conveniently scheduled while she’s D (down). When she’s awake, I do more feeding, playing, and cooking, more tired than I was earlier, but slightly more attractive. Soon enough, it’s her bedtime and then ours, before we wake up, wash, and repeat.

It’s hard not to think I would have been hired by now if I had more time to job search. It’s also hard not to think I would enjoy staying at home more if I wasn’t spending so much time job searching.

Like most people, it’s less that I want a job, and more that I need one. And I’d like a good one, because of said egg prices. Baking is my weekly non-negotiable, and my daughter and I do it together. She bangs the rolling pin, throws flour, and stirs every mixture for the 0.5 seconds I allow. We listen to music and dance. The floor gets filthy. I kiss her round cheeks that taste like butter.

I want this season of life to pass, to get easier. And I don’t. The constant rejection from HR people is hard right now, but it’s easier to swallow when I have someone who needs me more than their tech companies ever will. Someone who wants me regardless of my experience building go-to-market programs, or my Salesforce expertise, or my (incredible, I will say) ability to work in cross-functional teams. She needs me to be her SAHM. Easy.