HOW TO WIN FAME AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

While Jake Paul’s big fight against Tinpot Mike Tyson on Friday is almost certain to be the most talked about sporting event featuring a Social Media Disgrace influencer to be staged this week, it won’t have been the first one. The sweet science has long since lost whatever credibility it had as a sport, with promoters finding new ways to debase it in their chase to the bottom line. Football has always purported to be above such publicity-grabbing stunts. Even if those who run and play it are as rapacious in their pursuit of cash as any of the smooth-talking hucksters behind the decision to put a long-past-his-best Tyson against some internet wonk 31 years his junior. A supposed meritocracy on the pitch at least, places on elite professional sports teams are supposed to be earned through blood, , sweat and tears, even if the inexplicable, ongoing presence of [insert your favourite team’s worst performing player here] in the lineup suggests otherwise.

There’s a very good reason why Manchester United’s £86m flop Antony hasn’t started a single top-flight game this season, but for all the shortcomings he has showcased since moving from Ajax, the hapless Brazilian can play a bit and is not being left out so that Performative Meltdown Man, who procures coin by watching United games in his Fred The Red jimmy-jams on YouTube, can take his place. Making it as an elite professional footballer is famously difficult, so one can only imagine what the mood was like among those occupying the Deportivo Riestra substitutes’ bench for their Argentinian top-flight game against Vélez Sarsfield when they learned a young influencer with no previous footballing experience known as “Spreen” had been picked ahead of them on Monday night.

With more than 13m followers across various platforms, Ivan Buharjuk was included at the behest of Victor Stinfale, who owns both the club and an energy drink company he wished to promote by registering the 24-year-old as a player, giving him the No 22 shirt and sending him out to line up against the league leaders. His work done in what might have been the stuff of his dreams but is that of Football Daily’s most terrifying nightmares, Spreen was substituted after 50 seconds without touching the ball, but not before incurring the wrath of a commentator from broadcasters Tyc Sports. “He doesn’t even know where to stand … it’s unbelievable,” they thundered. “This is shameful, it’s a total disgrace.”

The Argentinian Peter Drury wasn’t the only person to criticise Deportivo’s decision to cheapen the game, with Vélez goalscorer Braian Romero among a plethora of players, past and present, to voice his displeasure by channeling his inner Samuel Beckett. “It is a wrong message to society, to kids who try hard,” he sighed. “Football is not that, it is trying and failing and trying again.” Juan Seba Verón also chipped in, declaring Spreen’s inclusion as “a total lack of respect for football and footballers”. Aware of the brickbats likely to be hurled his way for kowtowing to his paymaster, Deportivo manager Cristian Fabbiani revealed that he had told his opposite number about his plan to start (and immediately substitute) Spreen in advance, for fear of being accused of disrespecting Vélez Sarsfield. And how did Gustavo Quinteros take the news? “He told me to leave him on for half an hour,” honked Fabbiani.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

And I’m so sick, so sick of those coaches saying, ‘Oh yeah, but the intensity [of the flamin’ A-League]’… OK, we will talk about someone who won the World Cup, won the Euro, [Bigger Cup], played in England for 10 years. He wasn’t quick, he wasn’t the strongest. So despite that, he was one of the best players in the world. And we’re talking about A-League intensity? You must be kidding. Put horses on the pitch, they will be running – but they can’t kick a ball, and they can’t play. They can’t pass the ball. Seriously, I’m disgusted to hear that kind of stuff” – it’s fair to say Juan Mata’s Mr 20%, Fahid Ben Khalfallah, is not best pleased with Western Sydney Wanderers boss Alen Stajcic’s sparse use of the 36-year-old Spaniard.

Bird-watchers fond of crying fowl will know that the coot (not the Coote) is clad almost entirely in black and, according to the RSPB, it ‘patters noisily … and can be very aggressive towards others’. Unlike the soon-to-be-rarely-seen Coote, the coot’s conservation status is secure and still has a future in which to ruffle feathers and stick its beak where it shouldn’t” – Mark McFadden.

Many years ago I was working in the kitchen of a hotel in the picturesque Peak District, where once a month a pair of stocktakers would arrive to ensure all was above board. On one occasion, one of the auditors turned out to be a football referee. As the morning went on it turned out he had recently sent off a feisty Norwich forward, describing him as ‘a mouthy little man’. Obviously my head chef took great pleasure in having me wait on them hand and foot purely for the joy of watching a Norwich supporter slowly lose his mind” – Phil Withall.

After the sunny and lovable Gary Lineker, Match of the Day needs a change; after all, as we look around we see that life in general is getting less sunny on every dimension. So what better candidate to reflect the new world we live in than our old friend José Mourinho? There we would have him, glaring balefully at his invited punters and treating their banalities with due sardonic bitterness, sneering at the camera and daring us to carry on watching. It would bring the end of the world a little closer, but since it’s almost here, what would that matter?” – Charles Antaki.

Totally fair to assume Gianni Infantino pulled the idea of a Supporters’ Shield out of his behind (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition), as this expanded Club World Cup appears to have been conceived in a similar fashion. However, the Supporters’ Shield is one of the most organic things about MLS, yet also quintessentially MLS because it has been co-opted by the league and means precisely squat. Teams don’t get stars over the crest for the Shield. That comes from an MLS Cup victory, which is subject to a Russian roulette-style playoff system the league changes almost every year in what is usually marketed as exciting, but actually ensures a number of the franchise owners in the playoffs are guaranteed one home match to squeeze their fans’ wallets. It’s a level of creativity Infantino clearly takes some inspiration from” – Colin Durant.

Can I be the 1,057th person to ask how if ‘it started to rain on the 17th day of the second month of Noah’s 600th year’ that he managed not to ‘walk on dry land again until the 27th day of the second month of his 101st year, some 375 days later’ (Andrew Kluth, yesterday’s Football Daily letters). Does Noah lie about his age on Tinder too?” – Peter Storch (and 1,056 others).

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Mark McFadden, who lands their very own piece of Football Weekly merch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.