ATLANTA — We were a country divided. It was Coke vs. Pepsi, Ford vs. Ferrari and Tastes Great vs. Less Filling all over again.

Was Scottie Scheffler your Player of the Year in 2024 or was it Xander Schauffele? 

It was too close to call until Scheffler finally tipped the scales by winning the 30-man corporate picnic known as the Tour Championship last week.

Purists favored Schauffele because he had a 2-1 edge in major championships. It was Schauffele’s PGA and British Open titles versus Scheffler’s Masters. Although Scheffler also won the Players, which ought to count as at least half a major by now. 

But the Tour Championship was win No. 7 for Scheffler. He also snagged the Olympic gold medal. He was golf’s dominant force this year. He even set the all-time Tour scoring average for a season at 68.00.

You could argue for Co-Players of the Year because of this: Would Scheffler or Schauffele trade their year for the other guy’s? Not likely.

Thankfully, a seventh Scottie win seems to end debate, which is good because if we had to come up with a combo nickname for the duo such as Bennifer (Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez), Schauffeffler edged Scander and X-Scot in staff voting. 

Crisis solved. As luminaries Peaches and Herb once noted, “Reunited and it feels so good.” Here are some other major award winners from The Year of Schauffeffler Scheffler: 

The Winston Churchill Champion Orator

Rory McIlroy discussing the Olympics and Ryder Cup: “With how much of a sh-t show the game of golf is right now, we don’t play for money (in) the two tournaments that might be the purest form of competition.”

(Second shot: We need a “sh-t show” logo on golf shirts and hats. They’ll sell like … sh-tcakes!)

Most Arresting Event 

Nobody has ever been charged with a felony during a major championship and gone on to win it but Scheffler had the chance. He was arrested for not obeying a traffic cop’s directions near the Valhalla Golf Club entrance in the early morning hours. Louisville police arrested Scheffler, booked him downtown and charged him with a felony. He somehow got back to Valhalla for his morning tee time and shot 66, the Round of the Year under the circumstances. Video evidence later exonerated Scheffler and all charges were dropped. The Scheffler Incident made this PGA Championship unforgettable but the event got even better thanks to a thrilling finish in which Schauffele holed a clutch putt on the last green to edge Bryson DeChambeau and Viktor Hovland. 

(Second shot: Great golf, great drama, great police work. Well, two outta three ain’t bad.)

Revisionist History Cup

Awarded to the PGA Tour, which said University of Alabama sophomore Nick Dunlap’s AmEx win made him the youngest amateur to win on Tour since Chick Evans at the 1910 Western Open. 

(Second shot: Geez, the PGA Tour wasn’t founded until 1968 but it’s taking credit for those old Western Opens? Is it also claiming responsibility for Portugal ending its monarchy that year?)

The Stroke of Genius Award

If the hardest shot in golf is the long bunker shot, try it from 55 yards on the 72nd hole at Pinehurst’s No. 2 Course to win the U.S. Open. Bryson DeChambeau floated a beautiful sand shot with his 55-degree wedge that trickled to a stop 4 feet below the hole. Then he holed the putt to win his second Open title. “That bunker shot was the shot of my life,” DeChambeau said.

(Second shot: It was close but that bunker shot possibly was bigger than the final-hole birdie putt holed by President Donald Trump in DeChambeau’s Internet episode of “Break 50” that gave the duo a score of 50 at Trump Bedminster.)

The Green Bib

Given to caddie Ted Scott, who has two Masters wins on Scottie Scheffler’s bag and two with Bubba Watson. That means only legendary Augusta caddies Willie Peterson (five with Jack Nicklaus) and Pappy Stokes (five with four players) have looped for more green jacket winners than Scott. “I’m pinching myself,” Scott said after Scheffler’s April win.

(Second swing: Pinch away, man. You’re aboard Secretariat. Enjoy every ride.)

The Golden Slide Rule

Beau Hossler bounced a shot off the back edge of the famed 17th green at TPC Sawgrass in the Players opening round the same day Ryan Fox made an ace there. Only one of those made history. Oddly, it was Hossler’s, whose shot was the 1,000th ball hit into the water at 17 during The Players, ShotLink reported. 

(Second shot: This is fake math, people. ShotLink didn’t start tracking water balls at 17 until 2003. Sawgrass became the Players home in 1982, so that’s another 21 years and using historical average of 46 dunks per Players week, that 966 more sunken balls. Hossler’s shot was actually closer to being No. 2,000. And that’s not counting Angelo Spagnolo’s 27 water balls en route to a 66 on that hole in Golf Digest’s ignominious 1985 World’s Worst Avid Golfer contest.)

The Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics Trophy

Awarded to Tiger Woods. The pros and cons of his year:

Pro: He played all four majors for the first time since 2019. 

Con: He missed the cut in three; shot a cumulative 44 over par and averaged 75.6 strokes per round. 

Pro: He set a Masters record by making his 24th consecutive cut, moving ahead of Fred Couples and Gary Player.

Con: His 304 total was his highest in 26 Masters appearances.

Pro: He shot 156 at Royal Troon in the Open, tying his highest score as a professional, but it was one stroke lower than his highest score ever, 157 at Bay Hill in 1994 when he was a high school senior. Take that, kid!

Con: He played the final round with amateur Neil Shipley, who shot 73 to Tiger’s 77.  In a match of cards, Shipley wins, 2 and 1.

Pro and Con: Tiger is now a PGA Tour Policy Board player director and heavily involved in the tedious, never-ending (doomed?) negotiations with PIF (the Saudi money funding rival LIV Golf).

Pro: He got a $100 million loyalty bonus/equity share from PGA Tour Enterprises Inc., the Tour’s new for-profit venture.

Con: Figuring the highest IRS personal tax rate of 37%, he kept only $63 million of that bonus.

(Second shot: Only $63 mill? C’mon, a private jet’s gotta eat, too.)

Best Farewell Tour

Take a bow, personable club pro Michael Block. He had his 15 minutes of fame in 2023 after his star turn at the PGA Championship that featured a final-round ace while paired with Rory McIlroy. Block cashed in well. He even snagged a Charles Schwab commercial—surely a club-pro first—and three more invites to PGA Tour events this year, which ended as three more missed cuts. 

The afterglow of his fantastic, clutch up-and-down on the 72nd hole at Oak Hill that earned him a return invite to the PGA Championship didn’t last long at Valhalla last May. He made a quad on the second hole and missed the cut. Probably only Scottie Scheffler had less fun in Louisville. 

(Second shot: Looks like Blockie’s Eras Tour is over. But he’s 48 and the senior circuit is not far off. He might be able to beat a few of those guys. His more realistic long-term outlook? Social Security.)

The Pet Rock Merchandising Award (Gold Medal)

T-shirt featuring jailbird Scottie Scheffler mug shot) during PGA Championship week: “Making orange great again.”

(Second shot: Hey, it’s always been great in sherbet and Hostess cupcakes.)

The Francis Ouimet Giant-Killer Cup

This prestigious award Dunlap, the reigning U.S. Amateur champ. He shot a third-round 60 and holed a 6-foot putt on the 72nd hole to win the American Express, the tournament long known as the Bob Hope Desert Classic. Dunlap became the first amateur to win a PGA Tour event since Phil Mickelson in 1991, a special feat. 

Said Dunlap: “If you told me Wednesday night that I would have a putt to win this golf tournament, I wouldn’t believe you.”

(Second shot: Nick, what if we also told you via email how to sell your timeshare and buy life insurance in case of a robot attack? Would you believe that?)

Rookie Card of the Year

It’s another award for Dunlap, who looks like the real deal. Dunlap turned pro after winning the AmEx in January, jumped onto the PGA Tour and came from behind to win the Barracuda Championship in July—the first player in Tour history to win as an amateur and a pro in the same year. “I never thought I would have my name next to that,” Dunlap said after his victory in Truckee, Calif. The triumph was worth $720,000, nearly half as much as the $1.5 million check he couldn’t accept for winning the AmEx, money that went instead to runner-up Christiaan Bezuidenhout.

(Second shot: Pay the man, Shirley.)

The Nick Dunlap Honesty Cup

This Dunlap guy is everywhere. So let’s name an award after him for offering the Most Honest Quote of the Year. After winning the AmEx as an amateur, the Alabama sophomore was asked if he had homework from school.

“Yes,” Dunlap answered. “Probably won’t do it, though.”

(Second shot: Wait, athletes at SEC schools have homework?)

The Nick Dunlap Honesty Cup, non-Dunlap Division  

The winner is Akshay Bhatia, who left his 32-foot putt on the Rocket Mortgage Classic’s 72nd green 4 feet short, then missed the next one, handing the title to a surprised Cam Davis. Said Bhatia: “Just a little bit of nerves, honestly. I’m human.”

(Second shot: You’ve gotta respect that admission. Not to make excuses for Bhatia’s miss but we did notice some clouds moving carelessly during his backstroke.)

The Shlabotnik Cup

This award, which goes to former Ryder Cup star Anthony Kim, is named in honor of “Peanuts” character Charlie Brown’s favorite baseball player, Joe Shlabotnik, who had a career .004 batting average. Kim, 38, stepped away from golf in 2012 (when the award-winning Dunlap was 10 years old) for undisclosed reasons. Kim returned in March and joined LIV Golf.  “Eleven years is a long time,” admitted Kim. His results reflect the layoff. His average finish in 10 54-man events is 47.0. He has a 47-477-6 mark, based on how many players he finished ahead of (47), behind (477) or tied (6). That gives him a won-loss average of .094. 

(Second shot: Well, his last LIV finish was 36th so he’s trending upward. But at least his average is way better than Shlabotnik, who later tried managing, fyi, but was fired by the Waffletown Syrups.)

The Glenfiddich Award

Scotland’s Robert MacIntyre had a remarkable summer. He scored his breakthrough first PGA Tour victory at the RBC Canadian Open with his dad, Dougie, the greenskeeper at Glencruitten Golf Club, as his caddie. They shared an emotional embrace after the win. Barely a month later, he was in contention at the Scottish Open. With the vocal galleries supporting him, MacIntyre delivered his best golf and watched a 22-foot birdie putt barely topple into the cup on the final green for a one-shot win over Adam Scott. “It’s the one I wanted and the one I got,” Robert said. The ensuing celebration was reportedly also award-worthy. “I’m not a big drinker but when you get a moment like that—a childhood dream and a lifetime goal—and you’ve got family and friends that have backed you since you were a young kid, I think it was quite right to go absolutely wild.” And, he added with a smile, “I think we’ve done a good job of that.” Because of the party, he moved his Open Championship pre-tournament press conference from Monday to Wednesday.

(Second shot: Lang may yer lum reek, lad. Old Scottish toast translated, Long may your chimney smoke.)

The Van de Velde Cup

The “winner” is former Duke University star Max Greyserman, who had one hell of a week during the Wyndham Championship. Greyserman enjoyed a second-round 60 at Sedgefield Country Club and had a sizable lead in the final round until his drive caromed high off a cart path and out of bounds at the 14th hole, causing a quadruple-bogey 8. Then he four-putted for double bogey at the 16th. The double disasters set up England’s Aaron Rai to notch his first win. “Obviously, stuff happens in golf,” Greyserman said. 

(Second shot: When Double Stuf happens, you hope it comes between two Oreo wafers.)

The Pet Rock Merchandising Award (Silver Medal)

T-shirt featuring jailbird Scottie Scheffler mug shot during PGA Championship week: “Orange is the new green.”

(Second shot: Does anyone really want to see the Masters award The Orange Jacket? Anyone? Bueller?)

 The Glen Campbell Memorial “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” Award

It was 8:25 a.m. when Lucas Glover, still in his hotel room, answered his cell phone and was notified by a PGA Tour rules official that he was due to tee off in the WM Phoenix Open’s first round at 8:26, one minute later. Dangnabbit! The rules allow a player to tee off up to five minutes late, which comes with a two-stroke penalty, but Glover couldn’t make it in time for that. He withdrew and admitted he’d read his tee time wrong, a rookie mistake that a 44-year-old Tour veteran wondered how he could have made.

“I’m kicking myself but laughing at myself at the same time,” Glover told Golf Channel.

(Second shot: Glover ranks 14th in Approaching the Green stats. In Reaching the First Tee, pencil him in for DFL—that’s golfspeak for Dead Last.)

The Silver Calculator Award

Xander Schauffele won explaining how he had to factor in Denver’s mile-high altitude during the BMW Championship there to determine yardages before every shot: “I went to San Diego State, so it’s the most math I’ve done in a while.”

(Second shot: Is San Diego State in the Big Ten Conference yet?)

The Dan Rather Memorial Inquisition Chalice

This award for the most inane media question was earned at the FedEx St. Jude Championship after Scottie Scheffler talked about showing his Olympic gold medal to friends and fans before the event in Memphis and how much reacted to seeing his medal.

Media genius: “Did you use it as a ball marker at all?” 

(Second shot: What he should’ve asked as a topper follow-up—“How far can you throw it?”)

The Pet Rock Merchandising Award (Bronze medal)

T-shirt featuring jailbird Scottie Scheffler mug shot during PGA Championship week: “Straight outta Valhalla.”

(Second shot: Per the late Warren Zevon’s song: “Send lawyers, guns and money.”)

The Job Placement Trophy

Phil Mickelson has zero LIV Golf wins and only three top-10 finishes in three years.

Mickelson recently hinted that he might retire if his LIV Golf play doesn’t improve. His reported $200 million LIV deal expires after next season and his dismal average finish this year is 36.1 (out of 54 players). “I see glimpses of being able to compete but I’m also realistic,” Mickelson said. “If I’m not able to, I’ll step aside.” 

(Second shot: A legit question is, What will Phil do next? LIV broadcast commentator? Head negotiator in the PGA Tour framework agreement talks? Male model for AARP?)

The Dr. Richard Kimble Right Stuff Award

Scottie Scheffler, after video evidence revealed how the Louisville police’s description of his PGA incident didn’t match the officer’s account and charges against him were dropped: “I did not want to pursue legal action against Louisville because at the end of the day, the people of Louisville would have to pay for the mistakes of their police department. And that just doesn’t seem right.”

(Second shot: Justice prevails. Court adjourned.)