Dear Abby: Fifteen years into our marriage, I’m struggling to honor my wife’s desire for space and independence. I can be a hopeless romantic, and my attempts to communicate my desire for trustworthy and healthy boundaries have actually made it worse.

We had a romantic origin story in a foreign country, and we haven’t had a vacation together with the kids in 10 years. She enjoys going on solo vacations so she can be “free” to have adventures where she can get attention from other men.

I trust her and love her deeply, but her returning to the exact location where we met romantically so she can be the object of other men’s desire is hurtful. When I’ve communicated this, she says I’m being “needy.” I disagree.

How can I let my wife be free and independent when the ways in which she does it are hurtful to me? When I express this openly and honestly, I’m made to feel as if it’s a “me” problem to resolve for myself.

There are subtle and sometimes overt comments that make me feel like our connection is slipping away, and I refuse to let that happen. We are in counseling, but she’s against it. What do you do when your desire for a deeper connection with your wife is rebuffed?

— Losing it in New York

Dear Losing It: I am so glad you and your wife are in counseling, because you both need it. Since your wife is doing this against her will, I urge you to continue alone if necessary.

Please understand that you cannot save a marriage all by yourself. There has to be a mutual willingness, and it often involves compromise. Ten years since a family vacation is a very long time. For her to take solo vacations so she can appear to be single (if that’s her reason) is hardly working on your marriage, and you have not been “needy” by pointing out that fact.

Previously

Dear Abby: Should I tell the kids their dad’s affairs broke up our 30-year marriage?

Dear Abby: I’m tired of a friend’s not-so-funny jokes about my age

Dear Abby: Rude? I was invited to not attend a wedding and instead watch it online

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, California 90069. Copyright 2024, Andrews, McMeel Syndication.