Some people are fans of the Indianapolis Colts. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Indianapolis Colts. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Indianapolis Colts. Ever wonder what would happen if Hunter Biden owned a football team? Well, let me introduce you to this man:

Not dead yet, but getting close!

Your 2023 record: 9-8. It’s not possible to top a season where the putrefaction of Matt Ryan occurs in real time on the field and your owner hires a TV guy as head coach midseason because the ghost Janis Joplin told him to. So the Colts didn’t bother to try. Instead, they used the 2023 offseason to hire an actual coach and draft an actual quarterback, and then had the kind of middling season that every AFC South team can be counted on to deliver on a near-annual basis. Comedy was lacking in Indianapolis a season ago, but I’m gonna shit on them anyway. I’ll sit on this here toilet for as long as I need to for it to happen.

[sprinkles Miralax into a bowl of three-bean chili]

This team only stayed in contention from wire to wire because of decidedly AFC South reasons. They froze out their best offensive player until finally giving him a contract extension in September, then watched him get hurt and not top the 100-yard mark in a game until Week 18. Their reach of a rookie QB played dazzling football for four games before hurting himself in nine different places. They let the Jags break a five-game losing streak in Indy against them. They lost in sudden death to the Rams on a Puka Nacua catch-and-run. They busted out their special Lou Gramm uniforms at home and proceeded to blow the ensuing game against Cleveland thanks to a game-winning touchdown drive led by … (checks notes) … P.J. Walker? Really? Isn’t P.J. Walker a child detective of some sort? He’s not an NFL quarterback. Come on now.

More. The Colts got crushed by both Jake Browning and Taylor Heinicke. Their freshly extended kicker was about as accurate as the Apple Weather app. They got beaten so badly by New Orleans that sorry-ass Derek Carr gleefully exclaimed, “Gosh, it feels good to smile,” afterward. All of that happened (you didn’t watch it), and yet these bozos still had a chance to win the division in a winner-take-all showdown with CJ Stroud and the Texans in the final game of the NFL regular season. This is what happened there. It’s no 33-0, but I’ll still take it. You guys remember 33-0? I do. Gosh, it DOES feel good to smile!

Your coach: The frustratingly competent Shane Steichen. There’s very little to make fun of here, save for the fact that this man looks like what would happen if Nick Foles and Kyle Shanahan made a baby.

Steichen got some mild Coach of the Year run after coaxing a (loud snickering) Pro Bowl season out of backup QB Gardner Minshew after his starter got hurt. Then again, a lot of people thought Frank Reich was a solid coach before the house burned down around him. So I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that this all goes to shit by October so that Jim Irsay will zoot a line of Adderall and ask Bono to take charge of this team. The fun thing about Jim Irsay is that such a thing has a genuinely realistic chance of happening.

Your OC for the second straight year is Jim Bob Cooter. I mention that only so that I can type the name Jim Bob Cooter. Never gets old. (Butthead voice) Hehehehe… Cooter.

Your quarterback: Anthony Richardson, who went from the most polarizing QB in the 2023 draft to the Next Josh Allen like it was nothing at all. But then he got hurt and ended up only playing for a single month. And before you tell me that Richardson will keep it together for his sophomore year, let’s remember what this team does to its franchise quarterbacks. Peyton Manning left here with a beehive growing out of his neck. Andrew Luck quit on the spot after realizing that he didn’t enjoy getting hit 600 times a season. Richardson has already assumed the late-career trajectory of both of those men, which means that his ascension will be stillborn. Until Bono takes the headset. Once that happens, THESE COOOOOOLTS… WILL HAVE FOUND… WHAT THEY’RE LOOKING FORRRRRR… Sing it with me, Indy!

Your new backup is Joe Flacco, who’ll lead you on a playoff quest even more uninspiring than the one Minshew just staged.

What’s new that sucks: Not a goddamn thing. Despite being flush with cap space this offseason, GM Chris Ballard looked at this shabby roster and said to himself, Yep, this’ll do. The Colts were a bottom-10 defense a year ago, and yet they still couldn’t be bothered to sign any viable corners or pass rushers to aid the cause. With their No. 15 overall pick in the first round, they drafted EDGE Laiatu Latu out of UCLA. Latu started out his career at Washington, where he was forced to retire from football in 2021 due to nerve damage in his neck. Whoa hey, did someone say “terrifying neck injury?” Kinda sounds like another guy who once played here!

Latu and his peanut-brittle spine will be counted on single-handedly transform this defense from bad to “not that embarrassing.” To aid him in the task, Ballard dished out fat contract extensions to DT DeForest Buckner and LB Zaire Franklin. Does that sound like enough backwork to you, especially now that Shaq Leonard is gone? Or does it sound like any screen pass thrown against this defense is still a house call waiting to happen? If it’s the latter, you’re not, like, opening your minnnnddddd, mannnnn. Why don’t you and I head out into the desert and drink this special tea I brewed? You’ll see blitz packages you never thought you’d see, plus the ghost of Jackie Gleason!

Over on offense, Irsay gave stud RB Jonathan Taylor a contract extension just as Taylor is beginning to fall apart, and then he threw $46 million guaranteed at Michael Pittman Jr., who is the Michael Pittman Sr. of wide receivers. I’m supposed to believe that Lil’ Pittman is an elite pass-catcher who hasn’t reached his potential because of Indy’s QB situation, but I don’t. I believe that a guy who averages less than 1,000 yards and three TDs a season is … well, a guy who averages less than 1,000 yards and three TDs a season. I don’t give a fuck if God himself is behind center for this offense, he’s gonna need a better weapon than this popgun.

A better team, too. This current Colts team is a strange amalgam of promising young talent—Latu, Richardson, WR Josh Downs—and an aging core that never lived up to its potential during the Reich administration. And now you want me to write these guys down as a playoff team? With C.J. Stroud in the division? I’d rather put my money on Irsay living another decade.

Downs is already hurt. Ryan Kelly and Quenton Nelson are blocking on fumes. The only reason to watch this team right now is to see how weird Irsay looks in any given shot. Put him next to Ballard and it’s like watching a David Cronenberg movie.

What has always sucked: Colts Nation, I blame YOU for the Pat McAfee phenomenon:

I’m 47 years old. I know what afternoon drivetime radio from 2002 looks and sounds like. And folks, this can of Axe body spray embodies that era right down to the unflattering tank top. I feel more enlightened after watching Trump speak for 45 minutes about how close he was to fucking Kathie Lee Gifford than I do watching ESPN’s $17 million man. To tune into Pat McAfee is to watch a former punter—who retired from the NFL to join Barstool—make derpfaces at the camera and then ask his buddy Gordo if it’s normal for WNBA players to shoot three-pointers. I hope Pat’s grundle explodes and he has to spend the rest of his days pissing into a bag.

Mike Pence saved democracy on Jan. 6, 2021 and I’d still punch him square in the throat if I ever laid eyes on him.

What might not suck: Richardson can throw the ball 500 miles and seeks out contact like a drunken 22-year-old at last call. I love him to pieces. We should break into Colts HQ and rescue him. Maybe get him over to the Rams. Somewhere else. Anywhere else. Because this is an Indianapolis franchise that requires an intervention of some sort on a daily basis.

HEAR IT FROM COLTS FANS!

Tyler:

Our owner is basically wish.com Bob Seger. 

Will:

Despite having fewer working brain cells than a member of the Happy Mondays, Irsay is still more capable of constructing a roster than Chris Ballard.

Matt:

Anthony Richardson is an athletic freak, which means his knee will evaporate into a noble gas by year three and we’ll be perusing the market for the next Matt Ryan while Irsay spoons a $100,000,000 guitar played by Robert Johnson. 

Chris:

As someone born and raised a Hoosier, I can’t believe milk-toast isn’t our state dish.

Brad:

There’s no way Joe Flacco is going to bring the necessary replacement-level Joe Dirt energy to the QB2 slot for this team.

Seth & Eric:

For the second time in four years, the Colts drafted an injured pass rusher (2024: Laiatu Latu; 2021: Dayo Odeyingbo). Whenever you have two chances to take a guy who medically shouldn’t go grocery shopping, you have to do it again.

At least JD Vance won’t walk out of any home games this year.

Bryan:

There are more Trump flags in my town than there are people. 

Dan:

How in the fuck does Chris Ballard keep his motherfucking job? The man’s complexion is an unhealthy shade of red and he looks like he is holding in a shit at all times.

Last year my son was diagnosed with Autism and for the first time in my life I didn’t care about football or the fucking Colts. I didn’t watch a game and did everything I could to help with my toddler’s development. The level of joy watching my son learn and grow against the odds has brought me happiness that the Colts never could. I could give a fuck about this team and their Orca killing owner. Now I spend Sundays with my wife and son while we laugh and play, instead of seething at the TV or watching a demented owner hijack postgame speeches on what clearly has been a rough day with alcohol and drugs. Life without this team is better. 

Max:

I hope Mitch Daniels fucks Mike Pence when Mother isn’t watching.

Scott:

The Colts have one of the best running games in the NFL, and play in a division that’s always up for grabs, and still always piss it away. Jonathan Taylor is the Andrew Luck of running backs, and Andrew Richardson will be the next Andrew Luck of QBs. 

In 2023, they just had to beat Houston to make the playoffs. There was an opening where the Texans missed an extra point. The Colts were driving. Nine Taylor rushes, two Minshew completions, and a penalty. It was 4th-and-1 at the 15 with 1:06 to go. Colts timeout. They had two left. Another Taylor run? Nope. Ill-advised swing pass to the third string RB who dropped it. 

I live in Washington State. For years, my wife and I were sore about Pete Carroll not running Marshawn Lynch against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. This? This was worse. This was worse than Carson Wentz against Jacksonville in January 2022 in another must win game. This was worse than two 1-15 seasons. This was worse than the coaching career of Frank Kush. This was worse than Jeff George’s Colts career, Curtis Painter’s Sunday Night Football game against the Saints, or that horrible fake punt against the Patriots. 

My gosh.

Sean:

Hank Baskett still has the capacity to ruin my day, and I haven’t even watched a non-playoff Colts game in probably five years.

Go Pacers.

Stuart:

In 2022, I got robbed at a hotel I was staying in while my apartment’s roof was getting fixed. They stole everything that I had, leaving only my bag, my toothbrush, and my Indianapolis Colts jersey. Yep, even thieves didn’t want my Colts jersey.

Dave:

It’s jarring that I haven’t seen a Colts logo on a building, bumper sticker, flag this whole summer. It’s all Fever, specifically Caitlin, all the time. It’s like the other teams disappeared into the smog around 465. 

Tyler:

Fuck Jim Irsay with Eric Clapton’s The Fool. Also, fuck Eric Clapton.

Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Seattle Seahawks.