January
The final game between Australia and India at the SCG, the Aussies’ last home Test before they face England in Perth in November, features every single member of Pat Cummins’ side becoming complicit in what is interpreted within the England camp as a significant escalation in Ashes mind games. Hackles are raised after, across seven full days of training and playing, the Australians barely mention the Ashes, and at no stage appear to constantly obsess about the still-distant series at all. “You can tell we’ve really got into their heads,” a source tells the Mirror. “Ten months to go, and we have literally terrified them into silence.”

February
After his thrilling form in 2024, when he scored six centuries, five fifties and averaged 55.57 across 31 Test innings, Joe Root lays down a marker in his first international appearance of the year, and his first white-ball appearance for his country since 2023. A swashbuckling 41 against India in the first one-day international in Nagpur ends only when he hits his own wicket attempting an outlandish novel shot swiftly nicknamed the “quadriginoctuple frap ramp” because of its obviously hypercaffeinated nature. “He’s already the second highest-ranked batter in the squad,” beams Jos Buttler, “and if he starts nailing shots like that it’s only a matter of time before he overtakes the Netherlands’ Max O’Dowd and the involuntarily retired Jonny Bairstow and moves into the world’s top 50.”

March
Australia lose in the semi-finals of the Champions Trophy, their preparations hampered by uncertainty over whether India would qualify, and thus whether they would have to play the fixture in Abu Dhabi or Karachi. The situation drags on so long the Australians eventually end up in a chartered jet that spends 11 hours circling the airspace between the two Asian cities while they wait for the ICC to finally announce the BCCI’s decision. “I’m seething,” says the coach, Andrew McDonald, when they finally touch down. “My players are tired and disoriented, and we were on the plane so long their last three meals have consisted entirely of snack packs of pretzels. On the plus side, the guys with window seats have learned a lot about the coastal features of the Gulf of Oman.”

April
The injury-prone speed merchant Jofra Archer turns 30 on the first day of the month, and is presented with an outlandishly large celebratory cake by his Indian Premier League side, Rajasthan Royals. The luckless bowler is ruled out for the rest of the month after singeing his lips in what the Royals’ media department calls a “candle-related incident”.

May
Mitchell Starc’s stunning form with the ball and Jake Fraser-McGurk’s explosive top-order batting unexpectedly power their IPL team, Delhi Capitals, all the way to the tournament’s final. England’s decision not to recall players from the annual franchise-based spectacular therefore means the Australians’ DC teammate Harry Brook is stuck playing short-form cricket in India as Ben Stokes gathers his side to get their red-ball summer under way against Zimbabwe at Trent Bridge. “You can tell we’ve really got into their heads,” an England source tells the Mail. “Six months to go, and they’ve literally started kidnapping our best players.”

June
Australia’s search for a reliable opening partnership reaches new depths of desperation as, including a concussion substitute, they somehow try seven different players at the top of the order during a three-Test series against West Indies, ranging in age (and, in an unusual coincidence, partnership totals) from 19 to 38. Beyond that there is good news when it emerges that reports that Travis Head had suffered an ashes nightmare did not involve a serious injury, but some badly charred mahi-mahi at the Barbados barbecue hotspot Oistins Fish Fry.

July
Archer makes an emotional return to Test cricket against India, fully 1,592 days – or four years, four months and 1.57 weeks – after his previous appearance, in February 2021, though his bowling is seriously hampered by the unusual, bulky and ill-fitting cricket whites he wears throughout the match. “Yeah, that was unfortunate,” Brendon McCullum admits, “but after consulting with our medical team we decided the best course of action was to literally wrap him in cotton wool.”

August
Australia host South Africa for three ODIs and three Twenty20s, all of which have to be played in the north of the country where the weather in late winter is most reliable. Between them the two series double the total number of outdoor August internationals Australia has ever hosted (there were also three ODIs played under the retractable roof of what is now known as Marvel Stadium in Melbourne, also against South Africa, in 2000). “You can tell we’ve really got into their heads,” an England source tells the Express. “Three months to go, and now they’re stealing our cricket-playing months.”

September
Fresh from their six games in northern Australia, South Africa land in England to play six more, with ODIs at Leeds, Lord’s and Southampton followed by T20s in Cardiff, Manchester and Nottingham. Aiden Markram’s impressive side end up winning seven and losing only two of their 12 fixtures across the two months and indeed hemispheres. A hastily convened joint meeting of the England and Wales Cricket Board and Cricket Australia votes overwhelmingly to reject their claim that this means they have in fact won the Ashes.

October
Ashes preparations enter their final phase, with Optus Stadium in Perth, venue of the opening Test, taking delivery of a vanload of industrial fans and patio heaters. “We saw what Pakistan did to England when they used this method to prepare their pitches at the end of last year, and we want a bit of that,” says Isaac McDonald, whose job title at Western Australia Cricket is changed from “head curator” to “chef”.

November
England’s white-ball tour of New Zealand ends one week before the red-ball squad is due to arrive in Perth, leaving their multiformat players not quite enough time to go home between trips and forcing them to find something else to fill the gap in their schedule. In unrelated news, hundreds gather in a furious protest outside the headquarters of Golf New Zealand in Auckland. “I don’t know what’s going on,” rages one, “there’s not a tee time to be had anywhere in the country.” The crisis, which remains unexplained, mysteriously eases in the middle of the month. Meanwhile in Perth, a certain Test series starts on the 21st.

England quotes of the year 2024

“I had plenty of jam on my toast this morning, so I was a bit jammy” – Harry Brook after being dropped five times on his way to 171 against New Zealand in Christchurch.

“As I walk towards them, it hits me cold. This isn’t a team appraisal, is it? I feel like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, ushered into a room under the impression that I’m going to get made, only to be shot. You fuckers” – Jimmy Anderson on the meeting that ended his England career.

“I don’t think we played our best cricket this week and that is going to happen from time to time. Coldplay can’t be No 1 every week” – Joe Root after England were beaten by Sri Lanka at the Oval.

“Something else to overcome …go on then! I’ve got so much more left in this tank and so much more blood sweat and tears to go through for my team and this shirt. There’s a reason I have a Phoenix permanently inked on my body. See you on the field to fuck some shit up” – Ben Stokes reacts to the festive news that a torn hamstring will keep him out for three months.

Memory lane

28 December 1986: All smiles in the England dressing room at the MCG as Elton John commands attention. With an innings victory in the fourth Test against Australia, Mike Gatting’s side had secured the urn. Gladstone Small took seven wickets in the match while Chris Broad, father of Stuart, went to three figures with the bat.

Still want more?

Australia and India served up a classic at the MCG Boxing Day Test – Geoff Lemon was there on day five to see the finale.

South Africa had a thrilling Boxing Day Test of their own against Pakistan and will now contest the World Test Championship final.

And Geoff Lemon on Sam Konstas’s extraordinary debut Test innings in Melbourne against India.

… by writing to simon.burnton@theguardian.com.

In?

To subscribe to The Spin, just visit this page and follow the instructions.