Assigned to cover TV in 1982, I’ve been miscast from the start as TV has always left me confused.

I still can’t figure out why Wally and his little brother, Beaver, had the same bedtime. They’d lie there, agreeing that Eddie Haskell “is a real creep,” turn out the light between them then go to sleep.

And why was the mother of Beaver’s friend, Larry Mondello, old enough to be Larry’s grandmother?

I had that same sense of confusion over the weekend when CBS rolled out promos for its “new” NFL pregame show.

If there’s one thing we can all agree upon, it’s this: Year after year, NFL pregame studio or on-the-scene pregame shows have been worthless. Watching becomes a matter of colliding with their endings — and threats to return at halftime — prior to the game we plan to watch.

So CBS on Saturday presented promos showing five men marching across our screen — five where no more than two or three are needed or wanted — as the revamped — no Phil Simms or Boomer Esiason — 2024 version of the “The NFL Today.”

Thus, the half-thoughts heard in the past will be sustained while the sounds of forced laughter, obedience to NFL doctrines and wishes and, “I like the Broncos to keep this one close” will be heard from newbie Matt Ryan, Nate Burleson, Bill Cowher and J.J. Watt, added last season, with James Brown as the pass-arounds host.

What do you suppose audiences were thinking as this promo appeared? “Gee, can hardly wait”? “Now the show will be better than ever!”? “Now it will be more interesting, thoughtful and entertaining!”?

Saturday during Cardinals-Yanks on YES, Michael Kay noted something sad but no longer surprising: On Labor Day weekend, this was the only early afternoon game. There were late afternoon or night games. And good on him for noting this.

But Kay failed to complete the thought: Greed, in the form of MLB selling its scheduling authority to TV — including Yankee telecasts — was why good-for-baseball holiday weekend sense had been abandoned for TV money.

Or was Kay unaware that 20% of Yankees telecasts have been lost — seen by reduced audiences — due to money dives behind exclusive paywalls?

The same greed that has rendered Kay blind to the rows of empty seats behind the backstop in new Yankee Stadium the last 15 years — what empty seats? where? — was why only one game was played on a Saturday afternoon.

And Monday, Labor Day, last licks for kids and their families before school and work resumed, the Yanks and Mets played night games, despite Rob Manfred’s claim that kids are MLB’s top priority.

But Kay remains eager to parrot any dubious stat that comes his way, with the exception of DH Giancarlo Stanton’s restful exit velocity in his couldn’t-care-less career desire to reach first base.

Saturday, as advertised, Juan Soto had a rotten time in right field, allowing at least one catchable ball to sail over his head. Kay then noted that the “catch probability” of that ball was 75 percent.

How does that work, Michael? Is it the average of all balls hit to the outfield, line drives, bloopers, ’tweeners? Who determines? All outfielders are the same? Is Soto’s zero percent catch probability on that play then added to his average, all outfielders’ averages or just right fielders? Does the weather count? The sun?

Or was this Kay’s first baseball game, thus he’s unfamiliar with its nuances and vagaries that make such random data worthless? Why would he do this to himself — why does he always do such to himself? — not to mention us?

Wouldn’t a simple “He should’ve caught it” reinforced what he and we just saw?

Over to the U.S. Open, where ESPN’s mindlessly annoying verbal excesses again made a chore of what we tuned in to watch.

Chris Evert and John and Patrick McEnroe inspected every point, thus were inevitably self-sentenced to contradictions, while even John Smoltz would’ve been driven to an overhead slam of his mute button.

And why would ESPN’s voices be eager for audiences to root for American Coco Gauff to defeat the better-mannered and more stoic underdog American Emma Navarro?

OK, now name the most obnoxious, uncivilized, self-centered male tennis pro over the last 10 years.

Couldn’t go wrong with Nick Kyrgios. And that’s who ESPN selected as its special guest analyst for the U.S. Open. Why? Because TV continues to destroy our sports — rewarding the most unworthy at all costs. Why do TV execs insist upon further degrading every sport they touch?

On the subject of rewarding the most unworthy, Fox’s Michael Vick now endorses a sports gambling operation!

He was waist deep in gambling blood when he was sentenced to hard time for running a remorselessly cruel dogfighting operation.

Yet, he appeared in a public service commercial to warn kids of the dangers of gambling on sports. (Hey, just like Roger Goodell!) He was seen and heard counseling kids not to be “fools” with money. And now…

Good grief, how long can this persist, let alone grow worse? When do we hear, “Next stop, Rock Bottom”?

Scarlet Knights’ quest for almighty dollar rotting away its core

Something is always rotten at Rutgers.

The once-superb academic institution has gone into deep financial and moral hock to play Big Ten football. AD Pat Hobbs recently resigned “for medical reasons,” according to RU’s official statement. Those medical reasons, it turns out, were for “inappropriate consensual behavior.”

Apparently, RU president Jonathan Holloway is either a liar or among the last to know as he met Hobbs’ resignation with: “I want to thank Pat for his remarkable nine-year tenure at Rutgers, during which we have seen our men’s and women’s teams become leaders and successfully compete in the Big Ten, both on and off the field,” plus “enhancing the student-athlete experience.”

And it was Hobbs who returned Greg “Clothes Allowance” Schiano to coach RU football.

This past Saturday, Howard University was paid $425,000 to lose, 44-7, in Piscataway. But the stench, beyond forcing season-ticket holders to buy such a game, is worse.

RU, a 36.5-point favorite, was up, 38-7, and had the ball with seven seconds left. Time to do the right thing and take a knee. But RU scored to cover the spread.

Howard coach Larry Scott was not happy with Schiano — not at any price or rationalizations.

Incidentally, that $425,000 pay-to-slay fee is less than the money RU gave to footballers to order DoorDash during COVID. As Scarlet Knight athletics have accumulated $265 million in Big Red debt, the school annually solicits donations to feed hungry students.

Old good habits die hard, too: Tuesday morning at the top of the hour, I reflexively tuned to WCBS Newsradio 880 for the headlines. Instead, I heard someone shilling a show that will appear on ESPN.