When football season finally comes to an end it’s always a little sad. Sure, Green Bay gets to host the NFL Draft in just a few short months, but February and March can really drag on what with the cold, and the (gestures at everything) and such.

Fortunately, the Green Bay Packers realize this, and as an extremely well-run organization, they are not simply going to let their fans suffer silently, no sir. Even in the slow season, they Packers consistently step up by adding new items to the official Packer Pro Shop, and some of those items are definitely just there for entertainment value, because absolutely no one in a million years would ever buy this.

That is, once again, a “Packers Veronica Beard Womens Scuba Dickey Jacket.” Who needs apostrophes when you have a Victorian era century neck accoutrement produced from acclaimed designer (?) Veronica Beard.

If you’ve ever wanted to look like you recently stepped out of a Packer-themed performance of Sergeant Pepper, but also wanted to add an extra dickey (a dickey!) for warmth, and you wanted that to be a hooded dickey, not like the old lacey, non-hoodie kinds, because why not, then the shop has you covered, all for the low low price of one thousand US dollars. You could buy 50 De’Vondre Campbell jerseys, OR this one…thing. Or maybe it’s two things! Some people might prefer to just wear the dickey!

When you wash it, per the instructions, make sure to detach the hooded dickey first.

One thing I noticed is that big, 80s shoulder pads are back in style for the pro shop ladies this year, and as fan of 80s football, I am here for it. If you can’t drop a grand on the dickey thing, you can always just go for this.

Every woman I know is looking for that “Boxy fit with shoulder pads” to complement their leather pants, and to allow them to painlessly spear annoying men at the bar, and hey, if you use the hood or the hooded dickey, your head will probably look extra small on top of those shoulder pads. If that’s what you’re going for.

But enough about the ladies, are you a hairy man with no ass who needs to wear a belt with his swimming suit? Seriously, I’m from Wisconsin and not enough of you are raising your hands right now. Anyway, as usual, the Pro Shop has you covered.

Maybe I am old and out of touch, and these are all the rage. Maybe you need to routinely jump from “business casual” meeting to the golf course, then straight into the pool without changing at all. Maybe really long swim trunks with a button and fly will be the rage at spring break. Or, alternatively, maybe you look like this when you turn around.

When I write these I’m often trying to channel Drew Magary’s Williams-Sonoma calatog columns, but this guy looks like he’s about to join Great Moments in Poop History. Just look at the bowed knees, the slight forward lean: something has gone wrong here. Someone is clenching. Hard. How was this the best take? This poor man. I hope no one ever finds out his true identity.

Do you know what hat would go well with these trunks?

This hat, featuring mesh sides and a “beach vibes” pattern which may or may not feature upside-down pineapples, and is also anti-microbial on account of the older version of this hat killing Jimmy Buffett. OK, so that probably didn’t happen, but I think that fact that this hat is advertised as anti-microbial says a lot about who they think will be buying it.

Moving along, are you a republican and have a baby?

Well, you can get a cheesehead with your baby’s name on it, especially if you named your baby after a former presidents of the Grand Ol’ Party. Sure, the advertisement could say “Elisabeth” or “Mike” or one of the 85 forms of “Aiden” that exist, but no, they went with Reagan.

So why not buy this hat in tribute to the man who temporarily won the Cold War, just in time for the current Republican president to surrender to Russia.

And if you like that, you might also like this stuffed Packer cop car for your kids, which exists for some reason.

The description reads:

“Let them flash their Packers fandom with an “arresting” new plush, like this police car from FOCO.”

Hilarious, only 25 dollars, and sure to keep your toddler entertained pretending to lock up hardened immigrants while you enjoy your Modelo on the porch.

Let’s wrap up with this owl “whoodie”. (Ha!) Were fans asking for a Green and Gold owl hoodie? No. Does it cost $230? Yes. Yes it does.

“Hey, I heard one of the people running the pro shop is actually an owl.”

“Who?”

(Surprised gasp.)