I was once hit on the back of the head by a golf ball while walking through Lincoln Park toward San Francisco’s Legion of Honor. Fortunately, I have a hard head. I was able to walk away. The golf ball was taken out of play.  

Ever since that day, I’ve known that golf courses can be dangerous places. Even Donald Trump might agree with me on this, although we don’t agree on much else. Trump’s presence on a golf green also makes it a dangerous game, as one alleged assassin demonstrated while Trump was playing a round in Florida last weekend.

Since Trump’s game was called off by the Secret Service, our nation’s mass media have devoted considerable attention to the shots the former president escaped. Instead of noticing how many more children and women died in Gaza that day, or how many new floods inundated cities, or how many units of affordable housing ought to be built, this week’s news cycle heralds how JD Vance considers the Democrats responsible for the golf assassination attempt. The fact that Harris and Biden keep saying Trump is unfit for office threatens his life, apparently. 

At least this latest news cycle has turned national attention away from the dangers posed by San Francisco, which Trump and Vance kept associating with the “liberal” and “radical” background of former City Attorney Kamala Harris. Our city’s prominence in the campaign has abated.

But that can change.  I propose to bring San Francisco back into the news with another round of golf stories.

If Democrats locally and nationally want to take back the narrative on campaign issues, they should immediately call for a ban of assault rifles on golf courses. “MAKE GOLF SAFE AGAIN” should be the new slogan. 

Public safety has been a major issue in the San Francisco mayoral race, the candidates all have plans for improving police services; but here’s another plan for safety: All of our mayoral candidates should call for a golf course weapons ban. Stand with Tiger Woods or Paula Creamer for a photo op. Ride a golf cart to City Hall. Take back the headlines. 

Greater safety would be secured if assault weapons were banned in all sorts of places, and not so easily purchased; but increased protection of golfers be the way to begin winning wider acceptance of a ban. Then, who knows, Joe Biden’s declaration that violence has no place in American politics might even be enlarged and result in an embargo on American weapon sales to nations at war.  But we can start the ball rolling here, on city greenswards.

I can see the headlines already: “San Francisco Makes Golf Safe Again.” “Nine Irons, Putters, Carts Must Go through Metal Detector.”  “Even Trump would be safe here,” mayoral candidates might agree,  “as long as he stays on the golf course.”

Joel Schechter is the author of several books on satire.