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Friends, if you didn’t expect a holiday-themed story of minimal fantasy value this week, then you really have not been paying close attention throughout the season. Here is our definitive review of NFL players and their Thanksgiving side dish comps …

Trevor Lawrence = green bean casserole 🫛

Honestly, it looks pretty great on the surface. Very hard to refuse — that crispy oven-baked topping always gets you. So inviting. But after a few bites, you are reminded that it’s really just warm green beans from a can and incompletions to Gabe Davis.

Aaron Rodgers = kale salad 🥬

Who asked for this? Take it away. Gross. Seasonally inappropriate. No one wants salad. It’s just taking up valuable table space that could otherwise be dedicated to a third style of potato or a fourth variety of stuffing. Or Tyrod Taylor. Get it outta here.

‌Taysom Hill = savory sausage stuffing 🌿

There’s really a lot going on here. It’s possible every food group is represented. Nobody knows for sure. We definitely have celery and various mystery herbs and something meat-ish and bread bits and … well, it’s busy. Versatile. Eligible at multiple positions. A symphony of flavors. If this stuffing didn’t exist, Alvin Kamara might be the overall RB1.

DJ Moore = cranberry sauce

The side dish that simply puts up numbers every year, without fail. No one at the table claims it as a favorite — literally not a single person has ever said, “Mmmm, this cranberry sauce is delicious!” — and yet nobody refuses it, either. When it’s time to clear the plates, this dish has produced another 85 receptions, 1,150 yards and 7 touchdowns.

Bucky Irving = sweet potato pecan casserole 🍠

It’s perfect in every way. Wouldn’t change a thing. The mini marshmallows were such a playful, audacious touch. An absolutely thrilling side dish, unlike anything else at the table. What is the point of Sean Tucker when this is available? More, please.

George Kittle = cheesy mashed potatoes 🥘

Simply one of the best side dishes to ever put on the uniform. Line it up anywhere and it’s gonna produce. This side gives you both run-blocking and yards-after-catch. If there’s a more entertaining mic’d up side dish, we can’t name it. Elite in every way. Unlike so many scheme-dependent sides, this one can fill the box-score under any circumstances. If you’re looking for a rich, fluffy and flavorful side that can put up 6-for-82 and a touchdown with Brandon Allen behind center, look no further.