Welcome back to the world’s first incontrovertible power rankings, where for free we have sorted the NBA’s 30 teams into a perfect order. All you can do is drop your jaw to the floor and exclaim, “How have you vibe-checked this league so accurately? Surely we must owe you something for sorting them so.”

All we ask in return is that you have a happy Thanksgiving. As happy as the Boston Celtics, who reclaimed the top spot in these rankings (as the stuffing of the NBA, if you will). No worse than the Milwaukee Bucks (the mashed potatoes if ever a team could be), who have fought their way to fine. And may God have mercy on your soul if your day is as bad as the Washington Wizards (the real turkey of this league.)

Let’s get to it.