For parents who loathe the idea of an empty nest, having adult children under their roof can seem like a dream. There they are: Two adoring kids who cook, clean, and financially contribute to keep the home fires burning.

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But other parents simply get burned. “Overworked Mom” recently lamented to Washington Post columnist R. Eric Thomas that her two at-home sons in their 20s perform none of the above. What’s more, they each pull down six figures and wherever their dough goes, none of it helps Team Mom pay for utilities, mortgage, groceries or even a package of Tide pods.

She said they blame their reluctance to leave the nest on high costs of living in the area and baby boomers “for ruining the world.”

“The levels of entitlement and expectations are absurd,” she wrote. “I don’t know how to get them ‘launched’ without damaging our relationships further.”

In his response to her plight, Thomas strongly urged “Overworked Mom” to draw some strong financial and emotional boundaries.

“Stop cooking for them, start charging them rent,” he wrote. “The financial burden they’re placing on you will impact your retirement and your quality of life.”

If you find yourself in the “Overworked Mom” camp, keep reading for five steps to tip the scales back to a financial and filial balance. We’ll cover those below but first a quick look at the live-at-home phenomenon.

Adult children at home by the numbers

Looking at American adults of the ages 25 to 34, 19.7% of men and 12.3% of women live at home, according to 2023 numbers from the U.S. Census Bureau. These numbers are higher than they were two decades ago. In 2004, just 13.9% of men and 8% of women in this group were living at home.

It’s safe to argue there are economic reasons. The fact is that, across the board — from college tuition to rent — life was less expensive a few decades ago. The median sales price of houses sold has skyrocketed from $212,700 in Q2 2004 to $412,300 in Q2 2024, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

Are we headed in the right direction with our living arrangements? It depends on whom you ask, and in a 2022 Pew Research survey, 36% of American adults said that more young adults living with their parents is bad for society – more than twice the number who said it was good (16%).

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But the numbers don’t elucidate which grown-up kids are a blessing or a curse. Most Americans lived in multi-generational houses throughout the 19th century. This was especially significant when parents became infirm and adult children (and grandchildren) stepped in to manage the household.

If the opposite applies and free rent enables sleeping and eating machines you’ll need to take charge sooner or later. Here’s how.

Five keys to even the parent-adult child playing field

**Hold a family finances meeting ** Many issues that pit stay-at-home children against their parents boil down to a lack of communication. Your kids might not know what it takes to keep a roof over everyone’s head. As prep, create a household budget to track the actual payments and expenses. Suggest what you’ll cover and ask where they can step up – and for how much. Most importantly, treat this as a team effort rather than a parental threat.

Provide accountability Even if your meeting ends with hugs and smiles it’s just a start. Establish regular check-ins and don’t be surprised if you see some laggard behavior. Change is tough – we’re all creatures of inertia – so offer assistance and encouragement in turning unfamiliar behaviors into good habits.

Establish ground rules Electronic trading platform and investment advisory service Merrill Edge considers this so important that it dedicates a section to it on its “kids moving in” checklist. Who makes the meals on which day? When will everyone gather for family dinners? How is family space divided to accommodate individual needs? Merrill even suggests considering “specific bathrooms for individual use.”

Reinforce positive behavior If you sometimes equate caring for adult kids to taming animals, you might have more of a point than you think. In one of the most viral columns in New York Times history, Amy Sutherland wrote about using exotic animal-training techniques to tame her husband’s annoying habits. She effusively praised his good behaviors and ignored the bad ones, with surprising results. We all need a well-deserved pat on the back – and if an adult child gets one, chances are they’ll do the same thing to get more.

**Listen but also name consequences. ** “Overworked Mom” never named consequences for her sons’ behaviors even as they kept taking advantage of her. But when they complained about the high cost of living in their area and boomer privilege, it’s unclear whether she listened enough to understand. Building trust begins with empathetic listening without trying to fix things – and makes adult kids more receptive to hearing you out.

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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.