The TikToker Leroy Lupton went viral this week after filming himself in Aldi trying to bag his shopping faster than the checkout staff could scan it. The pure speed of Aldi’s checkout process is part of the shop’s appeal – managers call this the “thrill at the till” – but as Lupton shows, it can easily overwhelm some shoppers.

Personally, however, upon watching Lupton’s videos I was slightly appalled by his sheer amateurishness. In his videos he is badly equipped and poorly organised. I, on the other hand, am the undisputed world leader at beating Aldi staff at the checkout. I’m a regular, and perhaps my proudest moment ever came on 9 March 2019 (I remember because I tweeted it). This was the day when I managed to bag my items with such violent efficiency that not only did the guy at the checkout offer me a heartfelt “Great work, buddy,” but my oldest son squealed “DADDY! You’re so FAST!” at me. When I die, I would like my grave to be inscribed with the legend: “Quite good at Aldi.”

The secrets to my success are simple, and they begin during the shop itself. The reason why Aldi workers can scan so quickly is because most of their own-brand products have giant wraparound barcodes that can be scanned with a minimum of fumbling. If you can find them, and your budget allows, try to find third-party products with normal rectangular barcodes. Locating these will disrupt the cashier’s flow, buying you a few precious extra seconds of bagging time.

Next, loose fruit is your friend. I have recently taken to eating a grapefruit for breakfast like a 1980s yuppie, and I’ve found that these have become a key tool when it comes to stalling a cashier. They’re uncoded, and therefore have to be entered manually. I buy five grapefruits a week, and the big trick here is to avoid loading them on the conveyor belt together. If you do that, the staff can enter them all simultaneously. But if you scatter them randomly throughout your shopping, then the cashier has to stop and enter each one individually. You can make up a lot of ground here. Is it fair on the staff? Not really, but please remember that this is war.

Finally, bring proper bags. Lupton’s big mistake was to fumble around with a scrunched up carrier, which is ridiculous. Do as I do, and invest in some reusable trolley bags – colour-coded bags that extend across the width of your trolley and sit there gaping, ready to be drop-filled. My system is perfect: one bag for chilled and fresh goods, one for store cupboard products, one for household items and one for drinks. As soon as they’re scanned, they’re instantly deposited in the right place.

The Guardian challenged me to beat the checkout staff this week. So on Thursday morning I bought £48 of groceries at my local branch, and it wasn’t even a contest. My no-fail rules meant that, as the cashier scanned my final item, I dropped the Groovy biscuits straight in, my card already in hand, ready to pay.

Aldi simply didn’t know what hit it. They’re dealing with a champion here.