The cricket calendar is bloated, festooned with arcane traditions, and completely in thrall to money – which means it really comes into its own at Christmas. In the spirit of giving things that are not really wanted but everyone buys into out of a sense of social obligation, here is the Light Roller’s annual awards stocking filler. There is no gift receipt.

Conspiracy Theory of the Year: SKY catch
With South Africa’s World Cup dream steadily going the way South African World Cup dreams usually do, David Miller plonked a full toss down the ground, Suryakumar Yadav sprinted around from long-on to complete a running relay catch, and 1.4 billion Indians rejoiced. Meanwhile, over on Reddit, a slightly smaller but no less dedicated community got stuck into poring over footage of the event. Had the third umpire properly checked whether SKY’s foot brushed the boundary marker? Could that slight discolouration of the grass prove said boundary marker had actually been moved earlier in the innings? Was that a puff of smoke on the grassy knoll or could the shooter have been holed up in the book depository? Rarely has the tinfoil-hat brigade had it so good.

Runner-up: India’s friendly scheduling at the T20 World Cup. (Wake up, sheeple, it’s all connected!!!)

Executive Decision-Making Award: ICC
Everyone knows where the Champions Trophy is being held, right? The dates, the venues, which teams are in which group, etc and so on? We’re all absolutely double-sure – and have been for at least the last three years – that it will be staged by Pakistan, as the first major tournament hosted in the country since its role in the 1996 World Cup. Right? Right?? Well, sort of right. Because India won’t be going there. So those games will be held in the UAE. We think. Can we get back to you? What do you mean it’s supposed to start next week…? [Repeats ad infinitum until the next ICC even to be held in either India or Pakistan.]

Commitment to Change Award: Pakistan’s groundsmen
Pakistan is the spiritual home of subcontinental fast bowling – although that fine tradition was beginning to look a bit rickety when they were beaten 2-0 in their own conditions by Bangladesh. A pummelling at the hands of Harry Brook and Joe Root on a flat one in Multan followed, after which the Pakistan management had a brainwave. First question: did anyone see England play spin in India earlier this year? Second question: do we still have any spinners? Meanwhile, the ground staff in Multan and Rawalpindi attacked their new brief with the gusto of a middle-class family who had just bought their first pressure cooker. Out came the industrial fans and heaters, and in all likelihood a tandoor was constructed over the strip. By game day, the pitch had been crisped to perfection. With a twirl of that luscious moustache, Sajid Khan provided the choicest accompaniments, doing the rest with Noman Ali.

Architectural Feature of the Year: High Ceilings
Previously best known for being the place where Neil McKenzie used to sellotape his bat for good luck, the humble ceiling took centre stage – so to speak – thanks to England’s whimsical approach to selection, which went something like: “Gosh, those stats are rubbish. Are we even sure he plays cricket?” “No, but check out his height/pace/release point/hairstyle. I bet this guy has a really high ceiling.” Which basically means: might be good, might not. And is in no way a guide to whether you could fit a full-size Josh Hull in their front room.

Absolutely Did Not Choke Award: South Africa
Look, the South Africa men’s and women’s teams both won World Cup semi-finals this year. Which, given the weight of history, is really quite a thing. Almost as good as lifting the trophy but without needing to put pressure on your luggage allowance. The women didn’t really get close anyway – which is sort of a consolation. And as for the men, well, 30 runs off 30 balls with six wickets in hand really isn’t as simple as it sounds when you factor in Jasprit Bumrah still having two full overs lef- BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH, who are we kidding?

ICC Feel-Good Award: Shamar Joseph
As in, makes the ICC feel good about itself. For what’s better than a shooting star of a fast bowler from the backwoods of Guyana’s logging country chopping down Australia’s finest at one of their famed fortresses to distract everyone from the fundamental inequities of the global game? West Indies cricket needs better funding, infrastructure, opportunity… but hey, look over there, Joseph and his team-mates are doing laps of the Gabba! Let’s all pat ourselves on the back and never mention the revenue-sharing model ever again!

Runner-up: USA’s T20 World Cup campaign.

Administrator’s Administrator of the Year: Jay Shah
A unanimous vote (apart from one abstention). It’s been another blockbuster year for the little big man, who always comes up clutch in the pressure moments – for instance, after guiding India’s men to their first World Cup win in over a decade (Surely that was Rahul Dravid? – Ed), he was on hand with a fun-size flagpole for Rohit Sharma to stick triumphantly into the Kensington Oval outfield. Instantly iconic. We’re not quite sure why he decided to trade in the job as cricket’s No. 1 most powerful person (head of the BCCI) to be the guy pushed around by the head of the BCCI (ICC chairman). But you can be certain he’ll still be the poster boy for go-getting young administrators the world over.

Lifetime Achievement Award for Services to Cricket and Comedy: Pakistan
We’re living in a golden age here, people. From somehow managing to pit their two star players against each other over the captaincy, losing to USA on the way to bombing out of the T20 World Cup, seeing not one but two head coaches tender their resignations within months of being appointed, cutting daily allowances for female players, to all the fruitless posturing over the Champions Trophy (see above), the self-pwnage was on another level. If Pakistan cricket were a movie, it would be directed by Christopher Nolan, scored by John Williams, and star Tom Hanks. A female supergroup featuring Taylor Swift, Beyoncé and Madonna. A gourmet dining experience overseen by Heston Blumenthal, René Redzepi and Carmen Berzatto. They are Sideshow Bob endlessly stepping on a rake, and for that we salute them.

WTC Denier of the Year: Ben Stokes
Stokesy, love your work – we really mean that. But the science is in on this critical issue. At least 99% of all serious cricket experts have formed the overwhelming consensus that the World Test Championship is real. In fact – and perhaps you may need to sit down for this – the WTC may have been happening from as far back as 2019. Worse: it’s possible that the WTC is not even a conspiracy against England, the nation that has hosted two finals already. To misquote another beloved Ben (Kenobi): the WTC could bring balance to the global game. Search your feelings, Stokesy. You know this to be true.

Setting us up for Disappointment Award: Kamindu Mendis
No Sri Lanka batter has ever had as monstrous a run in their first ten Tests as Kamindu Mendis, who has reaped 1110 runs in his first 17 innings, at an average of 74. Not only have two-thirds of those runs come away from home, the man is also a monster in the field – as safe in the slips as he is dynamic in the outfield. As an aside, he also bowls spin with either arm.

This is all sounding way too good to be true for a young Sri Lanka batter, who as a breed have in recent years taken to scuttling their own careers in all manner of creative ways. It seems prudent to prepare ourselves for what may befall Kamindu in 2025. A haunting loss of form? Injury? A night out with Niroshan Dickwella? Life, surely, can’t stay this good.*

Nepo-Sensation of the Year: Rocky Flintoff
In the back half of 2024, Flintoff Jr has made a spectacular charge with the bat, impressing for Lancashire’s Second XI, before being vaulted into the England Lions squad for South Africa, and more recently being named in the Lions squad for Australia. And who might be coaching that Lions team, you ask? Why, old man Andrew, of course. Bless.

*The Light Roller is too rational to believe in anti-jinxes. But that doesn’t mean we’re not above trying them, just to be safe.