Folks, we have great news. News so good that it could potentially unite this ailing nation:

Football is officially BACK

This week NFL teams from Seattle to Foxborough returned to training camp, gearing up for their annual gridiron campaigns. That included the Buffalo Bills, who will look to claim their fifth straight AFC East championship in 2024. To do so, they will need to pull quarterback Josh Allen kicking and screaming out of his summer golf stupor, however. While Allen was at camp in spirit this week, his mind was still wandering the emerald fairways of earth, as evidenced by the speed with which the Bills QB revealed his ideal NFL golf foursome to CBS’ Evan Washburn on Thursday.

This wasn’t a timed a test, but if it were, Allen would have passed with flying colors. He immediately named Pittsburgh Steelers backup QB Kyle Allen as the vibes guy, potential Vikings QB1 Sam Darnold as the calming influence and Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver as the sandbagger-in-chief. From the sounds of things, this isn’t a hypothetical quartet either.

“We throw a sandbagger invitational. We started this last year for Kyle’s bachelor party. I was fortunate enough to elect Christian Kirk on my team, and he dang near won the entire tournament for us. We are available for hire for any country clubs out there who need the vibes.”

Two names were conspicuously absent from Allen’s fearsome foursome, though. The first was division rival Aaron Rodgers, who Allen accused of “sandbagging the world” at the 2023 Pebble Beach Pro-Am. The second was rookie Bills wide receiver and fledgling golfer Keon Coleman, who recently expressed hesitancy to play with a seasoned golf sicko like Allen. Like any good teammate, No. 17 said he’s happy to have him join the crew … provided he puts on a shirt first.