Dear Lucas: My husband lost a bunch of money betting on the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Super Bowl. He recently downloaded one of those sports betting apps and has been making bets here and there. I don’t think he has a gambling addiction, and we’re financially able to absorb losing that money. I think he was just being stupid. Has he learned his lesson?

Dear Reader: Before we get into the typical buffoonery of this column, if your husband does have a gambling problem, he should talk to someone about that. Ohio’s problem gambling hotline is 1.800.589.9966.

Now back to the buffoonery.

It’s a shame the corporate shills that run betting apps have taken over the Mafia’s stronghold on the gambling industry. Now instead of capicola and homicide, we have more greedy corporations trying to cash out before the inevitable class-action lawsuit.

One option is to convince your husband to convert to Islam. Since gambling is haram, he won’t be able to stay in Allah’s good graces if he keeps this up.

If your husband watches Fox News or is too lazy to pray five times a day, you may have to find an alternative. Consider embezzlement.

No, think about it. If you’re stealing/laundering money and then gambling with that money alone, are you really being irresponsible?

Plus, working a criminal enterprise will also bring you closer together as a couple. You’ll share secrets, amass wealth and spend plenty of time together, even if some of that is behind bars. You can spend your days extorting people, running credit card scams or whatever sort of criminal activity your heart desires.

Now that I say all this out loud, I realize I’m just telling you to start your own Mafia. But maybe that’s just the natural state of the universe. Maybe the Mafia deserves to do some light racketeering. After all, it gave us Goodfellas and Frank Sinatra.

Previous questions

Ask Lucas: My girlfriend and I carpool to work. I can’t stand her music.

Ask Lucas: How do I tell other drivers ‘sorry!’ if I make a mistake on the road?

Ask Lucas: My girlfriend won’t stop biting me

Ask Lucas: My wife and I can’t agree on a temperature for our house

Ask Lucas: Is it too early to give up on the Browns?

Look at this handsome fella. His name is Lucas and he will be writing more columns like this, despite common sense saying this should stop while he’s ahead. If you want to send hate mail or, for some reason, ask for his advice, please send an email to ldaprile@cleveland.com.